No locally grown infant but it's all right.
Saturday, 12.12.2015 - 10:31 pm.

We went to the adoption event on Wednesday. We walked from the Psych Department to the City Centre. Two very kind women let us in. We explained we weren't sure if we qualified for the process. They seemed moved by our interest in adopting. Then they brought in the expert who was speaking at the event, and I was kind of expecting the answer: no, we do not qualify. I figured, as everywhere I read the process was meant for "UK citizens". But we had to ask, right? The women who welcomed us seemed then very sorry to see us go.

On the bus back home, I found myself brokenhearted. And surprised at this urge of wanting to have a child, as if I was not busy enough with getting a PhD. I even tried to convince myself that I could make it through pregnancy and breastfeeding and all that. I came home and looked for other options online: my home country or Andrew's home country. Mine is out of the question, it is the most inoperative process in the world. Andrew's, maybe. They do international adoptions (and we're coming back to live there once we're done with the PhD anyway) and we have to be married for two years, we're down one.

I mentioned this urge to my friend Victoria, it helped talking about it with a close friend. The pregnancy, if it happened, may not be a problem. The unavoidable problem is that after it ends you're stuck with a human being that requires all of your strength and attention, and I'm getting paid to do research, not to raise babies. Andrew would no doubt share the load (part of my urge is, I think, because I've seen how much he wants one too, and what a nice and decent human being he is in general) but he is in the same position as I am.

So for now this project shall be kept on hold. I think I just looked at us and thought this was an ideal never truly seems like a convenient time, but here we have a stable yet flexible schedule and we can count on it for the next four years. And maybe it all just comes down to wanting to bring with me a piece of England when we leave in a few years. The idea of having my own little family born in different places of the globe sounded pretty cool. But, you know, nothing happens if it is not like that. I like the idea of adopting a child. I like the idea of having a biological child. Whatever happens, it is fine. That is all Andrew says about the subject, and really, that is all is needed to be said.

He was crying on the bus back home after we were turned down at the adoption event. But I know it was about his brother. Holidays, date approaching, everything and anything can trigger it.

Other than that, everything's sweet for us, individually and as a couple. I feel grateful all the time for what we have and I'm looking forward to our first break from the psych program (after each of us getting ethical clearance to conduct our first studies, cheers!) and the holidays, even if they're bittersweet.

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