Saturday, 03.05.2016 - 5:12 pm.
Since the trip to Stonehenge last week, I've been looking forward to traveling to my home country on the 18th. It's a good thing, I was dreading it before and that is not a good attitude towards something you can't change anyway.
I've started checking itinerary, luggage, and the money and supplies we'll take, Andrew and I, and those we'll leave for my nephew, as he'll be staying in the house. In that regard, I woke up very early this morning, unable to go back to asleep due to money issues. What I have in my regular account is not enough, and I'll have to draw some (a lot) from my savings, in order to both leave everything in order here and to take enough for our trip. I'm so angry and frustrated that I can't leave my fucking savings alone for more than a few months straight without having an emergency. I say to myself constantly, be grateful you've had the chance to save to begin with. It eases the frustration but still.
My nephew has pretty much run out of funds. He's only halfway through his paperwork and he has to pay 30 pounds weekly for his music tutoring; the tutoring was not included in the original plan, that's why he's out of funds. I know my sister says we should leave everything to her, she insists we must not make ourselves responsible for her son and we're already helping by having him with us. She's saved for years for her son and it seems she can afford that he attends college here. But we voluntereed to help him out, and right now she's moved from an office job to freelancing, so I don't want her to carry more of a burden than necessary over an idea that ultimately was suggested by me...by us, Andrew and me, but I also feel bad that Andrew would use his money for this when he's also trying to help his own nephew get to college back in Chile.
Speaking of Andrew. A few days after my last entry, everything was great. Then I asked him to help me with some statistical analysis. He walked into my office, seemed he had no patience for my explanation, and told me something that was not addressing my question; I told him what I needed, and after struggling to commit to a response, he confirmed that it "probably" was what I thought and left. Jesus. It's like he was bothered by my asking help in the first place, and walked in with an idea of what I wanted and stuck to his idea instead of listening to me. He's so good at statistics but I really shouldn't ask him for help, it's not the first time he acts like that when I do.
I did not speak to him for 24 hours unless strictly necessary. I was angry and I owned it. I'd had enough. During that day, I longed for being single, or rather, being alone. I thought that maybe after some, many years have gone by, I will get tired of dealing with his moodiness and get back to being by myself. He's such a good man, a very supportive and loving partner, and even when he is angry at me he's very civil. I know I could hardly find someone with as good a mix of qualities as him, hence I just picture myself being alone.
It's a very sad thing to say. I'm not saying it like a warning or a way of blackmailing. He doesn't know any of this and shouldn't. Mostly I say it in the heat of the moment, it's just how I feel sometimes. I know I have a keeper and shouldn't take him for granted. Thus it is disappointing that I think these things, but the way he goes from one mood to another is kind of wearing me out a little bit every time it happens. The mood swings are not even that dramatic but they add up. Usually he's all right, then something happens and he's sullen or upset, quiet and miserable, for a few hours or days. This time around it was because of me. I have no idea what I did exactly but he was upset with me.
We worked our way back to normalcy the next day. Nothing was discussed, nothing was solved. I figure he was projecting that I was mad at him and thought I was supposed to give the first step; usually when he realizes he's caused the trouble he apologizes. He didn't this time so perhaps he thought I had to do it. It'd probably turn out to be a very stupid thing of "I got mad because you thought I got mad at you for no reason", "Me too!". Ugh. I was eager to get help from him.
I thought of asking him what had happened but I'm just not assertive and I imagine he'd probably get upset again, because I'm trying to "talk things over" while he's over the whole thing. He wouldn't say that, but he looks so bothered when I try to discuss some things with him. No finances, no traveling plans...Everything is always up to me, and he'll get very serious if I raise questions, say, about money. Plus he's usually in front of a screen watching whatever, so there's also the thing to interrupt him to get his attention. Sometimes I talk and he doesn't even acknowledge me. It's not the norm but it hurts when it happens. I have a trigger with being ignored that goes back to middle school.
When I started this entry I had in mind talking about him, about how we had that problem in the middle of the week and how eventually we got past it and how everything is nice and cozy between us once again. And it is! I just realize how I bottle up, mostly because of my inability to speak up properly but also a bit due to his refusal to discuss some things every once in a while. I mean, he'd probably discuss them if I asked, but reluctantly. That's when I feel the wall comes up.
This week, I bought our train tickets to get to the airport on the 17th. I kind of asked him about hotels in Manchester and he chimed in a word or two, but he was busy in front of a screen. He left it up to me. I booked the hotel, slightly horrified by the price, but it was next to the airport (also, I'm paying for it. I know he isn't very thrilled to go to that hell that is my country, nor am I to subject him to it, so I'm running with the biggest expenses).
Once I had the hotel, I booked the train tickets. No use asking him, I thought. Then I went to inform him about the purchase, told him we were leaving in the afternoon and he sort of got mad, as much as he could without ungluing himself from his gameboy. He had a meeting with his supervisor that afternoon. I said he'd have to cancel it because tickets were non-refundable. That was the end of the conversation.
However, I empathized more as time went on. We don't just change our meeting with our supervisor, especially not on the basis of "I'm going on holiday". We'd already requested our vacation days and they begin the day after we take the train, the 18th. I noticed Andrew being nervous about writing to cancel that meeting. I'd be embarrassed if I had to, and I'd be mad at Andrew if he hadn't consulted me on the timetable before the purchase. And see, he didn't seem mad at me at all. He was upset, I could tell, but not once I felt any negativity towards me. I did the sensible thing of losing those tickets and buying new ones, to accommodate his meeting. It was the fair thing to do.
That was my mistake. I did rush because he's always leaving these things up to me, and I always want to have them ready in advance; maybe he finds that annoying. Plus, I feel it's so difficult to have him engaged in a thorough discussion of our plans. Perhaps he doesn't need it, and I understand that because he solves everything so quickly without making a fuss, but I need it. Besides that, it's hard to find a moment to speak to him without feeling like I'm interrupting him. When I do bring up something I want to discuss, he'll get serious and make some vague input and look like he wishes to end the conversation.
All this is not the norm in our relationship. He's really great and usually very easy to get along with; we laugh together, we do make plans together and negotiate, and we love each other. It's not something to walk away from on a whim. Ii's just that I realize I've been bottling up these tiny things, because yeah, they are small things that pass by fairly quickly, in the big scheme of our relationship. Except they start to add up and make me go "Jesus, not again", and I then notice there may be a pattern.
I guess that's just being...married? You deal and you're dealt with, and as long as it's in a civil manner, which is our case, it's ok. Anyway. Things are on the bright side right now so I'll go enjoy that.
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