To want and not to want.
Saturday, 04.30.2016 - 10:44 am.

Sorry for going almost two weeks without updating, diary. I was going to last weekend but I realized I did not have much to say other than I am very content and satisfied with the life I have going on right now.

Which I just said, anyway.

What's been going on? My second supervisor hired me as research assistant, to help her set up a survey. My job already ended but it was good to earn some extra academic cred and cash.

Also, I've finished my fist study for the PhD. I found nothing and I'm really disappointed, especially when looking back and seeing all the things I could've done differently. The good news is that my supervisors are happy with the way I work, and now I can move on to the second study, where I will hopefully make amends and find something meaningful.

Spring is here, or was here, for a couple of days. It was lovely. But no matter the weather, I'm always feeling happy and grateful for being here. I love this city, although I started reading the local newspaper and my fear and paranoia levels shot up immediately. It will never be as bad as in my own country though, so those feelings went away quickly.

This week I had a...I wouldn't say it was a pregnancy scare. I know I am always late but this time I was really late, so I considered the possibility that it was due to something Andrew and I did when visiting my home country last month (has it been only a month since we were there?!). We always use protection but, you know.

You may recall that a few months ago I wanted to have a child badly, and I wanted the child right now. This time, when I thought about the possibility of being pregnant, I was excited at first, but then I was convinced it would be best not to continue with it. Bless this place, it is legal for me to act according to what's best for me and my partner. Had I been pregnant, I wouldn't have been for long. Which on one side breaks my heart, but on the other, it heals it.

When my period arrived and I told Andrew, he sighed with relief. He then apologized for it but I said there was no need, I felt the same way. I told him my train of thought, of wanting and not wanting, and how my decision laid on his opinion. A history of oppression makes this line sound awful, but I mean, the two of us had to be on the same page to share the load. I know he'd like to have kids (and he'd be a great dad for them, and a great partner in parenting for me) but not these years, these years in the UK are our honeymoon: we are living in a nice city, we have a stable and decent income, doing ONE thing (versus the three jobs each of us had back in Chile) we enjoy and from which we learn so much and contribute to science, with free weekends and the chance to see a bit of a continent that is not ours. Plus my nephew is living with us, we're already taking care of him (hopefully by my next update I can have good news about him).

To be where we are right now is a luxury, a mixture of hard work and good luck. It's a gift we want to enjoy together and we are.

Anyway, nothing happened. That is a relief, actually. I also realized how much I'd prefer to adopt and, yes, proceed with it while we're still here (though I know we cannot adopt in the UK). I feel the need to have something made at home from scratch, but it's not that a strong a need, really. It's amazing and very cool but it's not the only way to go.

Alright, here comes May. See ya!

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