Saturday, 11.26.2016 - 12:31 pm.
It is settled, as long as a deathly 2016-like force does not make me deviate from it: I AM ATTENDING A MEET AND GREET WITH STEVEN TYLER AND JOE PERRY IN JUNE 2017 IN DUBLIN.
My raw feelings: jahsdjhw eqwljrjkansfdkjSD LAKSJKjsd LSKDJQNKEJWNRJqnekf sakfjaslksjfda SFLKJSKLDJsa d kJSDJHKJSIER!!!!!!!!!
That goes on forever, I'll spare you.
My lucid thoughts: I debated whether to do it or not. It is A LOT of money. The funny thing is that such temptation passed the essential question: do I have that kind of money? YES. You know why? Because I have been saving for something like this for literally more than half of my life. Sure, maturity and adulthood got in the way, and I've used my savings for other things, but I've never stopped saving. Then I came across M&G opportunity in Dublin, after debating whether to go to Germany or Ireland to see Aerosmith in their farewell tour. I was trying to steer clear from the Download festival in the UK. Festivals are not for me.
Andrew had already told me to not buy him a ticket, because instead of buying two tickets at the back, I could get a ticket front row for myself. He puts that kind of ideas in my head (as with my trip to Houston) and I go along with them, you see. He likes their music but can go on living very well without seeing them live. The day after I'd compared ticket and traveling prices, I poured my heart out to him about how there was a chance of a M&G at some venues (seems they'll also have one in the UK, but again, the Festival context puts me off) and that was out of my league. "Do you have that kind of money?", Andrew asked. Yes, I replied. "Go, then!".
They are saying goodbye. Go say goodbye.
It took me a whole day to decide. I felt horribly guilty. The world is a scary, cruel place, and a lot of people need help, and here I am shelling out more money than someone from my own socio-economic level may earn in a month. All just to stand next to two funny-looking old guys who will forget my face in two seconds, and get a picture with them.
My response to that guilt trip was: WORTH IT. If that happens, it will be worth every penny. Because those guys and the other three guys that form Aerosmith practically raised me: with them I learned English (for real!), I learned about sex, about music, the music industry, about how big time celebrities are people. I learned that drugs were terribly damaging, and I learned a bunch of attitudes that helped me grow and cope with petty but huge vicisitudes of my teenage life. They've brought me so much joy and comfort, and made for such wonderful company, that at 12, 15, and 20 years old, I wished so hard to see them in person that it was physically painful.
Those two guys may not be able to care for one fan in a million, and I may not be able to blurt out anything but "thank you for everything, I love you", but I'm doing this for myself. Specially my younger self, who lived perpetually broken-hearted because she was doomed to never see her biggest heroes live. I'm here for her, because she persevered.
To wrap up this news, here are my raw feelings again: jahsdjhw eqwljrjkansfdkjSD LAKSJKjsd LSKDJQNKEJWNRJqnekf sakfjaslksjfda SFLKJSKLDJsa d kJSDJHKJSIER!!!!!!!!!
***
Oh, hey, I've stopped questioning my sexuality. I may be fucking vanilla. The funny thing is that M, who helped set my questioning in motion by driving me to have a crush on her, has had more frequent appearances in my everyday life. Not that I see her everyday, but Andrew and I went to her house last Saturday (shortly after my last entry), to get some furniture she was giving away. She took us on a tour on her side of town and we went to an "international" supermarket where Andrew and I found some good stuff that reminded me of home. I shall cook you the food of my people, I said.
Then, M wrote me a few days ago to ask how my family was after the earthquake in my home country. Ok, she's like that with all her friends, but it's good to be among her friends. And then tonight Andrew and I are going to her house again, because she's having a housewarming party.
It could be that it's all in my head more than in my heart and anywhere else, really. If you're not heterosexual, aren't other non-heterosexual people be able to read that? And I was never approached by a girl. I think when I was an undergrad, another undergrad -I was her instructor- had a crush on me, or it could have been that she laughed at me behind my back, I couldn't really tell.
Then, I remember a friend of mine in school, she was very popular but we became close for a while (I am wondering why, as I remember this), and one day we were in my bedroom. I have no idea what we were talking about but I remember her saying something along the lines that she was a lesbian. Anyway, being gay in my home country is nearly forbidden, so whatever her questioning at the time, she just had a baby with her husband. And anyway, this is just someone possibly coming out to me, not coming onto me. Girls never came my way in that specific sense, probably, because they saw nothing to come to.
***
Things are going well. Andrew and I are having a good time together, as usual, and in my PhD, things stall for a while but then pick up. I'm learning a lot about being insistent yet patient. Same with my writing. It is a nice balance and, in my own little bubble, I'm in peace.
Except for meeting Steven and Joe, in a good sense. I cannot find words to express the chaos behind the grin that shows up every time I remember I have a ticket to meet them.
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