Just like a pill.
Saturday, 10/19/02 - 12:44 pm.

Simeon, I'm too tired to sleep.

I was, and it took me forever to fall asleep. Then I woke up at 5:00 am. I wasn't sleepy anymore, but I didn't want to get up. My entire body was aching, and it still is. I did manage to get some more sleep after an hour of rolling on my bed.

The memories of yesterday kept ringing in my head. Do you think he noticed?...do you think he'd send you an e-mail asking you if something was wrong?.

He didn't. But I keep thinking of when we looked at each other. I think, I think, I saw a different look in his eyes, one I'd never seen before. But probably that's just me, I'm getting paranoid again.

- Me: Roberto, can we switch seats? I get the feeling that if I lean on the window, it'll open like a door and I'll fall off the bus.
- Roberto: you're so paranoid, my love...do you really want to change?.

Yes, we changed.

Then I looked at my arm. Gosh, you're a screw-up. My arms are completely wounded. But I didn't feel bad because of the wounds. I just kept thinking it seems I can't be alone anymore, because I turn into a manic depressant, when, not too long ago, I'd enjoy my solitude and do crazy stuff.

As much as I wanted to cut myself again, I had the thought of stopping such thing as soon as I get out of school. I realize it's not healthy and not a solution.

But then again, there's no solution because I haven't figured out what the real problem is.

Carmen said that my self-mutilation could be like a drug to me, and so, I should be very careful. Yesterday on the bus, I realized she was right. yeah, so what?. Yeah, so what. She was right, I don't deny it. She's right, but she's no one to help me. A drug is something that makes you believe you're solving your problem, but it's just harming you.

I know, cutting myself is like an endless cycle. It's my medicine and my illness, so I need more and more everytime. No, no more cutting for this weekend though.

He didn't e-mail. Maybe he didn't even notice. But that's ok. I'd hate to have a friend who talks about flirting and sex for two hours while the friend he's hurt before (and apologized to her and promised not to do it again) is cutting herself almost in front of him.

Just like a pill
(Pink)
I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support
there's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
but she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
you keep makin' me ill
you keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support
there's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
'cause it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
but she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
you keep makin' me ill
you keep makin' me ill.


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