Sunday, 10/20/02 - 2:52 pm.
I keep repeating to myself that I don't know what the problem is. And I always get from my voices the same reply: you don't know the problem, but you know the solution.
The solution?
It's not a solution -I claim-. He's part of the problem. He hurt me, like the rest. He doesn't love me. He won't help me.
Last night, I found him online. I sent him Rock & Roll music (The Beatles' version, not Chuck Berry's).
(*Simeon sings at the top of his lungs:
GOTTA BE ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC!
IF YOU WANNA DANCE WITH ME!*)
He's told me he likes me sending him music. You're quicker than KazaA. He gives the cutest compliments (I guess...).
So anyway...we're talking just about anything, the shallowest of the shallowest subjects, and all of a sudden, he writes: love you....
I wrote: love you, too. Then he wrote: thanks for being my friend. Then I wrote: yours truly. Then Simeon whispered (to me): you suck.
You know, my problem with him is that he could be my solution, but he isn't. He could make me get away from self-mutilation and forced lesbian tendencies (although I'm positive the T.A.T.U. video made me emphasize the fact that I don't want a girl, simply because I am not gay), but I doubt he will.
I just don't understand. I listed all of the facts that could lead me to believe he still loves me. The A list. Simeon listed all of the facts that could lead me to believe he's just my friend. The B list.
(*Simeon points out that on The Making Of Pump, Aerosmith mentions the A list and the B list*)
The A list has quality, the B list has quantity (I'm talking about my lists, not Aerosmith's). And there's only one week of school left, to see which one has the most weight. How exciting.....not.
Hi, it's sunday. Again. The lemon tree in my garden is coming off the ground (I mean, it might fall).
I wanted to cut myself today, but I'm trying to get off such drug. Last night I sent the lyrics to Vic, because I know he understands the self-destructive part of me.
Hah (it's like "hi"), dude,
Our illness is our own medicine and viceversa...that's why it's a cycle, and that's why we can't break it by ourselves. It's called addiction.
That sounds lame and stupid, but it's somewhat of an in-joke.
*Simeon pretends to be the Atom Ant fighting Ferocious Flea*