Friday, 05.05.2017 - 8:17 pm.
Well, the class that undermined my self-esteem this term has officially ended. Or should I call it the class that blew away my cover and left a good number of personal and intellectual weaknesses out in the open? Oh, why not both. And to be fair, it has not ended yet, but I'm not doing the final assignment and there are only one-to-one meetings from now on.
I wrote T to thank him for the chance to join the class. I did that a couple of hours ago, after a whole week of trying to come up with a message that wasn't so basic and generic, like saying "oh, it was very interesting". Instead, I was brief, I was humble, and I recognized both my ignorance and the ways the class helped me decrease it. Not in my message though: I'M SO SORRY I SUCKED.
Plus, above all, I am grateful. My crippling dumbness aside, I got 'Delusions of gender' for free and read it all, I got to have a class and discussions with an amazing professor and smart classmates (some of them), and I learned about good practices and critical thinking in psychology research. I even learned more about myself, specific weak spots that I have to work on. So yes, I look back and feel it was a great experience.
Well, look at that. It turns out my first reaction to this class has not been I FAILED SO HARD. Which I did, but it's cool that I can see past that. I'm ashamed I didn't come through like a PhD student should have, or like *I* should have, considering I know much more than what I gave away. I'm ashamed of my poor performance, especially in front of someone who is a big deal, but I'm coming to terms with it. Whatcha gonna do, eh.
Moving on: one of my studies is getting a boost in participants thanks to the staff volunteer mailing list in my university. And I'm working on a third study, which is the project I was awarded last month, to be conducted over the summer. I'm a bit worried about deadlines and money (how is it that "having too much money to spend" is a problem for me?!) but, at least for now, I am enjoying the hell out of having my hands full in terms of research.
That may be because I still get to have weekends. I can pause the PhD on Saturdays and Sundays, blessed be, and enjoy life and do the things (and person) I love. I may have said it already but it bears repeating: I'm having the time of my life, and I'm grateful for it.
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