Friday, 06.02.2017 - 11:59 pm.
My current Facebook profile photos show what's up this month for me: a Pride flag and Aerosmith being goofy.
Aerosmith:
12 days until I meet Steven Tyler and Joe Perry. I'm baffled, I can't even use exclamation marks. This event is all I can think about, it's sucking up all of my mental resources. I don't believe it and I'm still scared something will happen to prevent me from meeting them.
This week I dreamed I had my Meet & Greet pass but then I wasn't allowed to go in because, according to my application to meet them, my sister was unstable. What the hell, my sister is quite a stable human being. In my dream I ended up crying outside the venue, saying "I knew this was too good to be true".
I've tried to find some information about how those M&G are but there isn't much. The message board that could help me is members only. I did find someone who explained how it was for her, she said it's more like a photo op than a proper M&G, but it sounds good. You get a minute in private to chat and take a picture. I'm mostly concerned about my own reactions: I don't want to cry or get shaky or go voiceless. They're just people, Steven and Joe, I realize that. I just want to thank them, and their three bandmates, and wish them the best.
Andrew and I are leaving for Dublin on the 13th. The concert is on the 14th. I hope all goes well.
Pride flag:
Well, you know I'm bi, so there's not much to add. Well, no, yes, maybe. Hardly anyone knows I'm bi, and I'm only keeping it quiet (on the internet) because of my parents. I do this with anger, for the record. I hate censoring myself like this, but after they brought up their cancer when I got my Aerosmith tattoo, I've learned my lesson.
(My last conversation with them got on my nerves. I know my parents have suffered each with their own cancer, but my dad keeps whining and pretending he's not well and is not making progress in his recovery when he fucking is. He may say thanks for all the advantages of having two sons who are doctors has afforded him, but truly he keeps complaining like everything is always wrong and he just comes off as ungrateful.
In this same conversation, he asked me about the Manchester attack, and the whole unspoken message behind his words is just how it's best not to go out anywhere because you never know. I *am* scared, thanks dad, I am scared that the concert I'll attend in two weeks, the one that will have a dream I've had for 20 years come true, will be the last night of my life. So on top of that, I'm afraid I'll be blamed for my own death. "We told you it was best not to go anywhere".
That I grew up with, fear and guilt for going outside. This issue has been coming out of me slowly in recent times, though of course I've always been painfully aware of it, it has been part of who I am. I resent it. I'm grateful for my dad, he has been loving and responsible with his children, but some things in our rearing were kind of ugly. Eh, like in any family, I suppose, and even less than average. I still consider myself lucky for the family I have, don't get me wrong.
This was a long parenthesis).
Anyway, Happy Pride Month!
Tomorrow, Andrew and I are going to the Peak District to do some trekking with other people from the PhD. Should be fun. I hope. And we're seeing Wonder Woman in the evening. Boy is coming to both events.
Oh, I called him Boy in my last entry because it was a generic name for a character that I thought would only mention once, but alas, we sat next to each other for lunch two days in a row this week. He said I was "so nice" while we played Mario Kart last Sunday (because I didn't throw a shell to my nephew to let him win), and he seemed pleased when he found out that I used to play the piano. Later in the week I learned that was because he plays piano himself. I said "you should have played our piano!" (have I said we have a piano? We got it for free in our first months here, hashtag blessed). He replied "no, you play", which I thought was a clumsily cute response. But yeah, that's just me imagining stuff. As with Girl, whom I rarely see around the department.
I have other things in my mind but this should do for now. I need to get through June 14th, I can't concentrate much on other than the moment when I'll have Steven and Joe in front of me, like...like two angels materializing in front of me, Jesus Christ. Then it's Andrew's birthday on the 15th (we'll celebrate in Ireland!), and hopefully things will go back to normal. And then I'll have my Simeon cartoon address meeting Aerosmith, FINALLY, and then one character will come out as bi. Speaking of angels, this character has been a glittery angel to me for my own coming out. I address this in my AF story, which should win a fucking award and it will. One day.