Friday, 06.23.2017 - 4:35 pm.
I haven't been able to concentrate this week, still reeling from meeting Steven Tyler and Joe Perry, and being at the Aerosmith concert. I'm back to my old ways, my flaming decade-long obsession with the band, my never-ending crush on them, the soreness of not being part of their world, and now, my not leaving a lasting impression on them.
It dawned on me that it was 20 years ago that I bought my first Aerosmith cassette, Nine Lives. I'd been obsessed with the "Crazy" video since it had come out a couple of years ago, though it took me a while to learn the name of the artist. I thought it was a guy. Also, I didn't understand then what the two beautiful girls did in the photobooth, what they handed to the store clerk, and why he got so happy. I was a very innocent girl.
I keep returning to my photograph with Steven and Joe. I can't quite look at it, though I don't look bad, I think. I'm just elated, so out of it all. I try to focus on the fact that I met them, that I shook Joe's hand, that Steven called me a "sexy beast" and that he took my hand. But I'm sorry I was such a basic fan. That thing about leaving a lasting impression, I am very serious and heartbroken about it. I didn't want to be just a blur that disappears as the tour continues.
This state of devastating love is so familiar to me. I'd grown out of it because it was too much, too frustrating. I love Aerosmith, they're a part of me, they're my home. Steven Tyler is very much the love of my life. I know it's just my idea of them, they're only people, really; just very talented and funny people. But then seeing other fans giving them cool gifts, or talking and joking with them...that social comparison is also devastating to me. I had nothing to give them but my gratitude and even that came out quite clumsily.
It's ok, I'll move on. And I have the photograph to hold on to! And the music, of course! I've been listening to Aerosmith the whole week, remembering how I used to listen to them and only them everyday for years. My craving for this kind of music is one that no other artist has been able to satisfy.
Also, since the concert I've done a nice retrospective on how Steven Tyler and the band as a whole have influenced me. I feel I wouldn't be who I am without them. I owe them my life, I partly owe them my Simeon cartoons, I owe Steven my image (not because I look like him, Christ, no, but because I tried to and what you see is all I could achieve). Hell, I think I owe them a good chunk of what I would write in my CV. I love having the band in cartoon form tattooed on my leg, it's very fitting. It's perfect.
In other news: I've been talking to an old friend from school. I actually mentioned her a lot in the first years of this diary. We went our separate ways but I remember she came out to me a bit after we graduated high school, so I came out to her this week. It's been nice talking to an old friend.
Lastly, I've been putting off things I want to do and instead I've been socializing a lot. "A lot", compared to myself, but that still isn't a lot for regular standards. Anyways, because of that, I have been slow in my PhD, and I have been slow in my writing. I'm getting delusions of grandeur again but I have no claim to fame. Yet. Yet, hopefully. If the judges think I write well enough. And then Steven Tyler will come looking for me, you'll see*.