Saturday, 10/20/01 - 6:08 p.m..
What will the people feel when you die? Besides sadness, of course.
I couldn't help thinking about it a few moments ago. I can die in a few moments and...since I haven't told some people what's so annoying about them, they'd probably just feel sorry for me leaving.
Ok, if I died tomorrow, what'd people feel? I guess it depends on how I die, first and foremost. It'd be a complete shock for those people if I commited suicide because of any of them. They'd feel guilty about it. But nah, people usually kill themselves because of themselves.
The guy called me. Twice. To "do" something. And y'know what? I'm finally gathering balls to tell him how I feel about this crap. I kinda got the feeling he's just...he asks me to "do" it and he doesn't do anything. Fortunately, neither do I, I just pretend. Today it was hilarious. I think he almost listens to me laughing my ass off. But then I come to realize that he doesn't know I don't buy his shit. So he'd probably think that I'm the stupid one. But I'll get the balls and dare to say something off my chest to him.
Ok, getting back to the issue...I've realized that telling people what I feel is the only way they'll...know what I feel (duh). They don't read minds, and obviously they don't read my eyes. So maybe even if I died, some people would never know that I died holding negative emotions towards them. They would never know how much they've hurt me.
Lesson for today: be fuckin' assertive.
I have to be asssertive, at least with that guy, before he hurts me more.
When I say 'no', I feel guilty. So fuckin' what? I have to stop forgeting all about me just because I think about the others. That's not how it's supposed to work. It's supposed to be 50/50. I think of you, but also think of myself. Althought that won't bring a handful of shiny, infinite happiness to your life sometimes, but the people who live in this world are not fuckin' Care Bears. Neither I am.
Well, that was my psychology session for today. I'll stop now before I wear a helmet and load my bazooka.
prev / next