Tuesday, 10/22/02 - 1:46 pm.
For a couple of minutes, when he was holding me, and I had my arms on his back and I was leaning my face in his shoulder, I thought everything would be alright. But then, like everything else that's good, it faded away.
For the rest of the day, I didn't see him. Sometimes I wish I could tell him he's hurt me and that I cut myself. You think he'd understand? he wouldn't even care. It'd be a joke to him.
I kind of wish my family wouldn't care about me, so I could kill myself. But I'm not doing it, because I know they love me. And I love them too, and I know they wouldn't stand the pain of losing a child to suicide. They never did anything significant wrong, why should they ask themselves if it's their fault? it isn't. Thank God for my family, I'd say. They're the reason why I can't slit my wrists. They'd notice and panic and ask. Other than that, I really find no reason to live.
Simeon: ...and the reason to die, it's life itself...
Yes, my love.
Today I went through some situations that made me hate part of God. Not God, I suppose He's a Good Guy whose work just didn't turn out the way He expected but...He claims some things and I don't see He really cares about them. But maybe it's just me.
Just...."argh", or something like that.
I'm really pissed, and I wish I could hit, beat, bite, kick, slit, yell...just anything to take this out. To burn down and then reborn clean.
But it's not happening. And I have to face an empty future. Going to college, studying what I think I want, then getting a job...the usual. I don't know how to change anything.
If they just left me alone...I'd bleed to death.
I once had a happy life. Can't I have a happy death now?
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