Saturday, 09.30.2017 - 10:17 am.
Last night, I nearly missed the opportunity to have a girls' night out. Ok, I had one of those the week before, but by now I'm aware of my needs and I'll take anything I can to meet them. As much as I'm allowed to. I nearly missed it, I say, because I found out that I had to take two buses to get to where it was happening, and it was a new route for me. "If you want pussy, don't be a pussy", said a voice in my head. A rather problematic sentence but motivating at face value.
If I'd stayed home, I would have been online all the time, craving human interaction and wishing for "something to happen". Instead, I stopped by the supermarket to get wine and chips and off I went. I caught the buses quickly (both from the same company, so I used my travel card; hey, this is pure joy to me!), and I arrived to the place almost half an hour earlier than expected.
Look, I just went because M would be there. She was my main motivation, although, regardless of her absence/presence, I got a fun night out of the whole thing. All women were Chilean, though by all women I mean the three of them besides me. Since I arrived early (i.e. on time), I kept company with the one who lived there and her best friend, who's leaving England soon after finishing her PhD. I was in her bedroom while they smoked pot, which reminded me of my fun times with Lighthouse and CR.
This was supposed to be a "pampering night", getting nails done and shit, but we just cooked and ate. Which is my ideal of pampering, anyway. We talked a lot, just the four of us who made it; I mean, we weren't that many invitees to begin with. I gave up on seeing M. We'd gotten together at 7 pm, it was past 9:30, and I thought it's so my crush, whoever he or she is, to not show up when I am all excited to see them. But she did show up!
Listen, she doesn't like me. Which is a blessing. You don't want to be married and crushing on someone who is attracted to you. But let's talk about the frustration that this blessing entails. As I've gotten to know her, we've hit a wall. "Ok, this is it, this is as much closeness as we'll achieve". It's still a sweet deal, don't get me wrong! She's a wonderful woman and anyone should be lucky to count themselves as her friend, as I do. What I'm maybe trying to say is that I'm perhaps learning to calibrate my radar and she's straight.
A Chilean guy showed up at around 11 pm (I never reach that hour out of home without wishing I was home, but this time I was having a lot of fun and wine). He's best friends with the two best friends that smoked pot. By now, one woman had to leave, so it was these two best friends, M, and me. This guy's gay and he was telling us about his most recent hook-ups. He's a hoot, but secretly I felt jealous because I never got around to hooking up with random people.
I'm just not an attractive person, I guess. I don't mean I'm ugly, I'm decent-looking, especially lately with certain wardrobe changes, but that and my personality are just kind of like, meh. I'm an OK person. Now I'm trying not to beat myself too hard over what I didn't experience regarding my sexuality. Sure, my head was all messed up, thinking that any partner that came along should be a monogamic "forever", but it's not like I had people raining over me. A few guys showed interested in me (I don't forget I married one of them and that's been one of the best things I've ever done), zero girls showed interest in me.
Meanwhile, this guy stands in the doorway of a club, another guy stands behind him, they start a conversation and sit down because this second guy is high. First guy offers to walk him home so he'll make it safely, second guy says ok but spend the night with me. They fool around, no sexual intercourse because second guy is still out of his mind. First guy leaves in the morning, leaves a note saying goodbye and his phone number; they may not meet again but whatever, it was fun, it was even sweet. I sort of wished I had stories of my own like those. Yeah, yeah, be careful what you wish for and all that.
If it's any consolation, I got a hand massage from M, and she got one from me, shortly before we parted last night. That's when I realized didn't feel a spark from her, and the bubble bursted for me. Anyway. I may go see a movie at the Students' Union tomorrow, and since I never learn the lesson, I'll ask M if she still wants to come along. I mean, she said she wanted to see it, too. I'm just not holding my breath, she's such a busy person. But please say yes.
Ok, laundry time.
Oh, today's my dad's birthday! I'm happy he's around. I mostly complain that he's a handful, because cancer and his own personality have gotten the best of him over the years, but I appreciate that he's still with us enjoying life. Happy birthday, dad!