Wednesday, 10/23/02 - 4:21 pm.
Things between Cel and Art aren't very good either. Last night she told me she thought they were breaking up. And today he was crying. Tear after tear after tear. But...I still hope they'll work it out. They love each other too much to give it up.
Me...last night I told Denver. We were talking online and I asked him if I could tell him a secret, and after him typing: yes!...please?, I told him I loved SM, and then sent him a "txt" archive with a graphic explanation of what SM (self-mutilation) is. He said it meant a lot to him that I was telling him a secret. He asked me if I was sad. He said but you know I love you. And I felt good. And I was glad I told him, because he made me feel he really cared.
Yesterday I cut myself with a razor. It hurts more than a piece of glass, but it's a cleaner cut. I made my own travel kit -Simeon calls it-: it's a safety matches box, with my piece of glass (now two because oh, joy, I broke it), my razor and a band-aid. Just the fact of carrying it it's comforting.
Everyday I weak up with fear. Or whatever it is...it's a strange feeling. It's like I have a black hole in my stomach, sucking all of myself in, making me weak and scared. Some kind of unjustified anxiety I can't control.
But these two past nights I've had a nice sleep. It was raining at 2:00 am today and I was very comfortable in my bed.
I was hoping Denver would help me today. He hugged me twice, and kissed my back...but...but. He...I don't know how to put it in words...it's like I exist in his life now and then. I hate it when he's dragged by Veronica, like today...no, it's not jealousy, I just...I just hate everything. I rejected Roberto today, too. He didn't deserve it, but I wasn't in the mood to cuddling either.
Sometimes, I'm suddenly attacked by anger and frustration. I was today before my afternoon classes, and I cried on Cel's shoulder. In just one minute, and for just three minutes, my world completely tore apart. I cried and cried. I opened my kit and chose the razor...I wished I weren't there.
I wandered around school before my parental units picked me up. And I tied my sweater around my arm. Sometimes I imagine what it'd be like to be found dead, after slitting your wrists, specially in a crowded place, where people could've helped you. But that's another story.
I ran into Pablo and I showed him my sweater. He looked at me. Ok...let's see that piece of artwork you have there.... I tend to think my friends (Pablo, Vic, Cel...) are starting to think I'm going too far...but we're even. And they know it. So they can't tell me anything.
On a lighter side, today I had my last exposition with my group: Rod, Norman and Mars. We've worked together the entire year. Also, Norman wrote down on the chalkboard all of our names (27 kids, classroom D) and a charachteristic of each. It was fun, and even emotive. Today it was my last wednesday of school.
No, wait...that wasn't lighter. My life as I've known it it's finishing.
Oh, well.