Friday, 10/25/02 - 5:55 pm.
- Me: Vic, I'm killing myself this weekend. I can't fuckin' stand this shit anymore. See this? Well, "this" will be in my wrists, too.
- Vic: Don't, baby. Don't. It's not time yet.
I have NEVER felt this way. Maybe it's because last year I kept thinking that around this time I'd kill myself, maybe I'm just sick of this life and some people in it. But I really want to do it. I really want to bleed to death. And for a few minutes this morning, I didn't care for my family.
My left arm is completely sliced.
I have a bad day. It's been years since Veronica walked me by and I was attacked by a sudden anger, and I swear I almost grab her and beat her. But I retreated my arm halfway her forearm.
The sun has changed position. Today it was weird, it felt like a stage. A stage where you've been on for years and suddenly it's way too iluminated. Besides, it'd rained last night. It was a strange combination for a landscape.
I was way too overwhelmed by anger and pain, and I quickly got tired, emotionally speaking. And to top it all off, I have the flu. I had to cut myself on the first recess, it keeps me from crying. Everybody is crying now because the year is over. And I don't want to cry anymore.
All I'm worried about is that my family will notice. I don't care if I slice my veins, I just want to die. I hate everything.
I was serious this morning when I said I was killing myself. I wanted to hit my head to death. I did, but I got a miserable bruise that disappeared in a few minutes. The best place for me to die is school.
I have the math exam this monday, and that really doesn't help me. At all.
I'm going to write her, telling her how sorry I am for meeting her. With blood. I'm going to write her, telling her that it's not my fault she was hurt by me. I never told her to join the pastoral gang, she left because she chose to. I'm going to tell him to stop hugging me, I don't want his fuckin' pity.
On a happier note, my dear obese girl came over, so I definitely had a happy afternoon. I'm so thankful for her.
A few days ago, a word came back to my mind: stoicism. And I swear if I hadn't tried my best to be stoic this morning during the last period (lit), I wouldn't be here now.
Vic keeps telling me I don't have to do it. It's not time yet.
But I just want to explode like a nuclear bomb and drag everybody to hell.
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