A gay dictatorship
Friday, 05.18.2018 - 6:55 pm.

The PhD conference went well. I presented on Tuesday morning. I got nice feedback from my presentation as well as decent questions. Nothing from the Human Flaming Bag of Dog Poo, thankfully, although he sat at the front row all three days of the conference, snickering and sighing at people's studies.

I interacted with him once, trying to have casual chit-chat merely because we were going in the same direction. Even in such a brief encounter he managed to bring up the topic of trans people, about one colleague who "looked transgender" and "had a fake American accent". Ah, the concern about fakeness and deceit. He's obsessed with that. 

I know everybody in the PhD knows by now what a cruel jerk he is. One could argue that it's pity what we should feel for him, and indeed some people do, given his pathological personality. He's got mental health issues, he's mentioned going to a therapist, and that is no laughing matter. But he treats people like crap, he mocks and insults colleagues and members of staff (namecalling I caught this week: "dumb bitch" and "creature") and the general population, and whines about everything that is wrong with everything and everybody. 

My friend Eric presented his research on collective action at the conference yesterday. The HFBoDP asked him a question without even raising his hand, let alone waiting to be assigned a turn to speak. He asked Eric about "oppressive groups", I can't remember what, but he's a right-wing enthusiast so he was annoyed by the collective action thing. He's made it clear before, and I overheard him after Eric's presentation, that he hates "framing the gays as victims" and the "political agenda" in research. What a moron; all research is made to influence decisions, and that is political. 

It got much worse today, because we had a departmental seminar about minority stress. Eric, again, had suggested a speaker on the subject and this person was the one who presented today. The presentation was really cool, attendance was great, and everyone was very interested.

The HFBoDP sat behind me and I could feel his presence in my ear throughout the talk. When the Q&A section came, he asked a question that reduced an example of discrimination given during the talk to the speaker "complaining", and he came to the conclusion that "forcing people not to discriminate gays is a totalitarian move". Then he interrupted as the speaker answered, and kept doing that. Keep in my mind that the HFBoDP is gay. 

I finally lost it and I raised my hand, too. I probably said something stupid, but I'm not worrying too much about what other people thought. I did feel defeated because I engaged. I remembered the HFBoDP was looking forward to today's seminar and boasted about "roasting" the speaker, and I took the bait. After the seminar, on my way home alone (Andrew didn't come to the department today, he's been sick), I was on the verge of tears. I did cry when I got home. 

I was so angry. At myself for engaging, but mostly at him for existing. I truly hate him, as a whole, and I hope he doesn't live long. It might be that it's my first time dealing with a personality disorder somewhat frequently, and that I've been hearing his shit on and off for three years. It may also be that I've been seeing him and hearing him this whole week, and just the sight of him or the sound of his voice from afar is a punch to my gut. Today I just wanted to turn around and beat him. He's too stupid, too ignorant, too hungry for attention, too desperate to assert his superiority. I don't care if that's not entirely his fault. 

One of my friends in the department told me the HFBoDP had been crying one of these days, something to do with his therapist(s). For a second my heart softened, it is my weakness and my ruin to hop on other people's emotional flow. But then I didn't care, I'm way past giving him a pass. I acknowledge that, beneath him being human bad breath, he must have his own battles and crosses to bear, but that's about it. That doesn't justify the misery he brings to the world. 

I know he was assigned a meeting to review his PhD progress, which isn't necessarily bad news but sometimes it might be. That meeting was today after the seminar, and maybe that made him extra pissy for the seminar. I wish he was not allowed to continue the PhD and was switched to the alternative program.

(Personal issues aside, I never thought what he was doing merited a PhD, or at least that many years working on it. He's working with already existing data, and my former boss in Chile could run those kind of analysis in days or weeks for a paper. Hey, I can do some dissing, right? Let me have that).

(Also, a gay dictatorship sounds fabulous, but I hope they won't forget the bis, the trans, the non-binaries and the assorted queers)

At least I can follow through with my post-conference plan: I'm done with him. I only have him on Facebook but it will feel nice to block him and delete him. 

Jesus, before today I'd been thinking of coming to write here about how nice the conference was. But yeah, it was nice. 

Something also nice: I'm opening an online store for my comic strip! Yes, yes, it's a silly move, I have no talent, and I'll be lucky if one stranger buys my stuff...but I want to give myself the chance to earn money from my...OK, I said I have no talent, so, artistic drive? I think I make cute drawings and they'd make nice stickers and tote bags and notebook covers. I still have to buy some items to test if the drawings translate decently to print, though. Wish me luck. 

I'm emotionally drained. Luckily, there's someone waiting for me to have fish and chips for dinner. Luckily, I have plenty of awesome stuff to focus on. 

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