Time to come to terms with the present and look ahead
Saturday, Jun. 02, 2018 - 18:09 pm.

It looks like Andrew and I may not have biological children. It's not bad news for us. The tide may still change, most likely if contraceptives fail, but so far it appears things will go that way.

We're entering the last and very demanding year of our PhD and our mid-30s, so it's not a great time for me to get pregnant nor to deal with what comes after birth. In a bit more than a year, we're moving back to Chile (more on that later). I know there's never really a "right" moment to have a child, but thankfully for us conceiving one is an option, because we have the knowledge and resources to make conceiving a choice. We'll go for adoption once we're back in Chile.

I'm certainly OK with not experiencing pregnancy ever. I have permanently broken bones (including one that's left me without the required "pelvic floor" when giving birth), a disorder in one of my systems from top to bottom, sexual trauma, and weird occasional complaints all over. My body and I still have some disagreements that may be exacerbated by planting an alien body in this equation. I'd accepted getting pregnant because I love and trust Andrew, and because it would have been cool that each of us -him, myself, and the baby- had been born in a different country. But, you know, the latter is cutesy stuff anybody can do without.

I've always wanted to adopt; it seems just as risky as having a biological child. I can also do without having a newborn or a toddler. I understand how amazing it must be to see this tiny creature grow and learn, but there are children that are already made out there, so I might as well give them a chance to also grow and learn. Andrew's grandparents are not biologically related to him, but he loves them and they are his family. So he too can do without a child that carries our genes (especially due to the mental health history in his family).

I'm currently in a period of thinking stuff like this over. Like I said, we should be moving back to Chile next September or October. A part of me does not want to go back and wishes to stay in the UK, but also I've been feeling increasingly out of place here in the UK. It will suck leaving though. I feel like crying when I think about not seeing the British countryside again, or feeling safe on the streets, or admiring the particular architecture (old bricks and shit), or having such a vibrant social and cultural life at hand.

Still, I'm making peace with the fact that we *are* going back. And maybe, being queer and an expert on queer issues, I can be more useful in Latin America than I am here. I do not feel like I fit in anywhere, anyway, I've come to terms with that too, so I might as well just be wherever. As long as I'm with Andrew, and our cats and other future pets, and maybe one or two kids, and we're all safe, it's all good.

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