A bit messy
Saturday, Sept. 08, 2018 - 12:47 pm.

My friend Head, from elementary school(!), bought a notebook from my Simeon online store. He posted a picture of it on Instagram which has caused, it seems, that a cool older kid from school started following me!!!1!!

Hi, I'm 33 years old. This "older kid" was the coolest back then in school, one or two years ahead of us. Maybe he was just a nerd to his peers, he was cool in my circle, guy with a timid ponytail and a thick artistic vein. I got validation from him once, he read my cartoons and said I was genius! Then I went on not existing for him. He was too erratic for me to keep up with and I was not worth of his attention, so do allow me to live in this odd moment in which he has started following me on IG. 

Also, I used to mention Head in this diary often in its earliest years. We met at 6 or 7 years old, he had a crush on me at some point, we haven't seen each other in over 15 years, but we've kept in touch because we get along nicely. He was a role model for me in terms of performing adulthood. He's now married and with two lovely kids, living in Canada. Anyway, it's thanks to him that, among other things, I have my Simeon webcomic. He gave me the domain as a gift and set up the site, so here's a huge shout out to him. 

Back to the present, but still speaking of Simeon stuff: I think I've been granted the Intellectual Property of my manuscript. I mean, I have, but I'm waiting for the certificate to make it official, and then I can pimp my manuscript around with protection. I feel relieved. 

Good news: the Human Flaming Bag of Dog Poo (HFBoDP) moved back to his hometown this week! I suppose he will show up at the office here and there for supervision meetings, but who knows when he will get his PhD. I'm hoping never, but I'm just being spiteful. Maybe I should hope "soon" so he'll fuck off entirely from the building, but I fear the power trip he'll get from that. Poor non-narcissistic people around him.  

I think someone threw him a farewell party, or will one of these days. He was still being a whining prick about it, like he didn't care. I heard he's moving out of the city because he didn't fit in or made any friends, and gee, pal, maybe if you have a pathological personality, don't mix it with Right-Wing Authoritarianism just to push people's buttons. I for one get enough mental pathology and RWA from my home country, I don't need any more.

I hate that our last social exchange was a triumph of his hateful "gay totalitarianism" speech over my sanity, but I'm willing to let that slip if I don't have to see him ever again. 

Moving on to less distressing characters, my favorite British person, I., is celebrating her birthday tonight. And I suppose she'll also be celebrating that she was officially awarded her PhD this week.

She was the one who came over last Saturday, along with my Mexican crush, A., so the three of us could drink wine. I. talks a lot about herself, but I really don't mind because 1. She cares a lot about others, and 2. She's had a painful and traumatic upbringing so it's understandable that she needs to reaffirm herself. It's surprising how lovely and well-adjusted she is after all the shit she's gone through growing up. 

I had a fun evening drinking wine with these two wonderful women last Saturday. We gossiped a bit about people in the department, but mostly we talked about our lives, feminism and sexuality. My kind of talks, man. I even got to talk about my own bisexuality for a bit, although I got a new line for my bisexuality bingo when I. said "Everybody's a little bisexual". As usual, I'm not good at emitting a timely reaction, so I was irked about the comment only after they'd left. At 1 am. That's how hard I party. 

And I didn't get to talk that much about bisexuality (I admit it, I have the need to) because they kept going on tangents. I was drunk, also, so I got on the verge of tears when A., kept ranting about the uselessness of the Kinsey scale after I'd mentioned it had helped me coming to terms with my sexuality. Her rant was based on the fact that she, too, was drunk and hadn't grasped what the Kinsey scale really was. It was a stupid moment and I'm glad we moved past it quickly. I slowed down on the wine from that point on, but I would have gotten angry by what she was saying anyway. 

I. and I exchanged a couple of flirty glances and comments, but that thing about everybody being a bit bisexual was bullshit. It may also be that someone who likes women will not like me specifically, but this was not the case. A. and I. are, as far as I can see, as straight as they come. They deeply appreciate women for sure, but that's a different thing. I know A. tried to get it on with another girl in the past and it didn't do a thing for her, fair enough, but then don't give me that queer bait that you and I are on the same sexual frequency. 

I realize I sound bitter and frustrated. Look, I had fun with them. They're my friends, I want them to come over again, and hell yes, I wish they cut the telling and actually showed me that "everybody's a little bisexual". Put your money where your mouth is, and put your mouth where...my mouth is. I mean that, yes, but the most frustrating thing is that I wasn't expecting to have my sexual orientation cheapened. It was just a line meant to be accepting but it stung. I'm not drunk now and it still stings a bit. 

Speaking of being bi, I came across two articles about being a "messy bisexual" and about being held responsible for keeping the "brand of the bisexual orientation" clean. In a nutshell, the author of the articles pointed to the burden of having to be heteronormatively perfect to reduce people's anxiety and stereotypes about bisexuals: monogamous, sexually conservative, never leaving anybody for anybody else. Everybody is prone to behaving contrary to these norms, but one bisexual person doing it means confirming stereotypes for ALL bi people.  

These articles were liberating for me. I didn't want to say it, sometimes I feel like I may not be satisfied getting it on with only one gender. I would like to kiss and mess around with my friends, and some other people of any gender or no gender at all, if they enthusiastically agree to do so with me. I think the world is lucky I have no charm nor charisma to keep people eating from my hand (hence I made a stick figure character who has all that for me), otherwise I would be a fucking bi stereotype. And I'd probably enjoy it. 

Being a messy person, bi or not, included being "communicative with your partner(s), honest about your intent, expressing your needs and being receptive of theirs". I'm not careless about others (neither is my stick figure character), I don't dismiss their feelings, I don't treat people as toys. I would never act upon these desires if they would hurt Andrew. And I do think he'd be hurt, he'd probably take it as him being "not enough for me". He's everything for me, that's not up for discussion.  

Viscerally, I'm in love with him, I do not want to leave him nor do I want him to leave me, ever. Cognitively, our marriage is a contract and the terms never stipulated non-monogamy (they never NOT stipulated it either, but let's stay on the safe side of social conventions). I've always thought that if the temptation is too strong, I'd talk to him about it first, and then I'd take it from there based on his response; and of course, I'd be fine if he was the one encountering the temptation, go, explore, just come back later. A part of me suspects he anticipates I will get tangled up with a woman at some point, but it doesn't mean he'd be OK with it in reality. 

Anyway, it's been fun pouring my heart out here, eh? Until next week.  

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