Friday, Feb. 22, 2019 - 6:57 pm.

I'm feeling stuck in most aspects of life. I suppose it's mostly that damn thesis that is never finished, and the lecture I have to give on Tuesday, and that my friend A is still staying at our house. 

These things are bound to be resolved soon. The thesis should be (must be!) done in a few weeks. The lecture will be done by Tuesday at 4 pm and I'll feel free. My friend A is going back to Mexico on Monday. She actually didn't spend this week here, she went to France for a job interview, more on that later. And I do feel horrible for wanting her to leave, because I like her and she's no trouble at all as a guest/housemate.

I do love my friend and I'll miss her. It's just that I'm very protective of my personal space. Having her around and having her stuff among our stuff messes with the balance of my environment. And it's not even that she's around, most of the time she's not; it's just knowing that somebody else is here, coming and going. Moreover, I miss having a desk and my own damn room to write.  

Sorry. I am whiny these days. I am indeed feeling stuck in life to the point of having a headache at the moment.

A's trip to France, yes. She got offered a post-doc position there, which is wonderful news! But it made Andrew and I rethink our decision of simply going back to Chile after we've finished our PhD. Should we try to find a post-doc, either here or in another country? Am I being too mediocre if I don't even try? It feels that way. 

Then again, Andrew and I are relatively old. We'd both need to find a post-doc, because living here ain't cheap and it'd be quite a struggle if we had only one income. Also, at this stage in our lives, we value our marriage over academia, so we're not willing to separate over work. We've travelled. We've achieved the highest academic degree possible. Furthermore, we already had the experience of a "post-doc", AKA being a research assistant. Sure, I would like to stay here, or any place that's similar to here in terms of safety and general niceness. I'd try to stay if I could adopt here.  

We just want to settle. We want to *gasp* have children (though Andrew comes and goes on this). We want a place of our own which we can modify as we please, not thinking that we'll leave it in a few years. I want a place of my own where I can hang my poster (which will be FRAMED, because I'm an adult), of Bowie with conjunctivitis*. I bought it years ago, but there are rules to this house that we are renting, so it's always been stored.  

*Diamond Dogs Bowie. 

Am I mediocre for not wanting to pursue a post-doc? Is it enough of an excuse to not pursue it that I feel that I don't belong here? Or that it's too much investment of time, money, energy and paperwork, and I'm tired of all that? 

Maybe asked me again next week, once I'm free from the lecture. And when I'm closer to submitting my thesis. I'm tired right now. 

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