Friday, Mar. 01, 2019 - 9:19 pm.
Re: last entry, I'm getting unstuck. I gave the lecture, which went decent. My friend A returned to Mexico, and while I'll miss seeing her regularly, I'm happy to have my personal space back. And the thesis...well...
...I have set the goal of submitting my thesis no later than March 15th. My second supervisor will give me the last round of corrections this Monday, and then it's up to me to make them and prepare the final document. It sounds easy, and it's encouraging that the corrections I've received so far are not overwhelming, but I'm concerned with the remaining tasks. It takes me ages to be satisfied with one paragraph, and I have yet to write all those lingering sections like acknowledgments and abstract. But I'm getting there!
I will not be working on my thesis over the weekend, however. I have my FIRST ART CLASS EVERRR tomorrow morning! I'm excited, but also nervous and concerned, not only due to my lack of abilities, but due to the possibility of me not understanding what the teacher says.
Since I've been on a wave of rampant bisexuality lately, I'm hoping to meet a cute girl in that class. The dream, having an Art School Girlfriend, as the Stone Temple Pilots song goes. I used to associate that song with my friend Monica from my undergrad years, as she was, indeed, the artsy type and I had a crush on her. I once took a picture of her smoking at a park, I love that photo.
Anyway! Andrew said I might indeed meet someone at that class. I can never tell to what extent he is joking and to what extent he is terrified when he says those things. He takes my sexuality seriously, so I don't mean joking in a sarcastic or lewd way, but like trying to make the facts more bearable.
In these cases, I can only say to him that I won't do anything behind his back, and that I will stop if it's uncomfortable for him. I'm relying on rules from polyamorous relationships here. I love Andrew with all my heart, and my marriage to him is one of the most important things in my life, hence I need to be honest with him. I cannot promise I wouldn't jump at the chance of hooking up with a woman, and excuse me for enjoying being a stereotype. But anyway, he needs not to worry because I'm quite plain and invisible to the world.
Right, art class, I was saying! I'm not going there to find make-out partners, but to learn the basics of drawings. Wish me luck.
***
Now, I should address the fact that Joseph's birthday was yesterday, and I fucking wished him a happy birthday. I felt at peace with that, but also triumphant. It's a silly thing, "look what I can do after all these years! Look at me not getting a stomachache when I see his name pop up on my screen! Look, I'm typing! words! in his direction!".
(I left my home country on his birthday, in 2011. Today's my anniversary of arriving to Chile, so soon it'll be my anniversary of meeting Andrew and shacking up with him forever <3)
Joseph replied to my message, and I have yet to open that reply, but I saw he asked me if I have Skype. A Grinch type of smile curled up slowly in my face. "Skype? Yes, my dear old-fashioned chap, I have Skype". I felt powerful, you see. I'm moved, he wants to talk, though I'm not sure what else I feel about that. Laziness, for sure, I've lost all practice of talking to people over the internet, except for my parents (who are, in fact, the only people I regularly talk to who use Skype, and for which sole reason I use it, too).
You know, I cared a lot for Joseph. I still do, perhaps more than I should. He destroyed me, and while I deeply appreciated his (unexpected) apology, the harm is done. I'm very fond of him and of the good times that we had, so I like the perspective of being friends...but contempt, heartbreak, and bitterness lurk close to the surface, too. Thank God for that.
Oh, this week, another guy from the past contacted me. He's The Guy, the very first crush I mentioned in this diary, because I opened it precisely while I was hung up on him. It's a somewhat nasty story, though mostly harmless in the end. We met at a school retreat. He made me touch his penis a few minutes after we met (because he found me alone, I suppose). He brought me back to his bedroom and pulled me inside, but I had the good sense of pulling back, and then he kissed me, just a peck on the lips. My first kiss was pathetic, and nothing like I had wished for.
Nevertheless, we fooled around a few times during the retreat. I was like 16 or 17, nobody had paid me any attention that way, so hey. Then we got back to regular school life and he just ignored me. He did call me to "have sex" over the phone, which was just weird because I wasn't turned on and I didn't know what to say. I used to wonder if he was just faking that.
And that was it. That was our relationship. He just eventually stopped calling me, and since he always ignored me at school, not much was lost. In my mind I wanted so much more, though, and I used to say stupid things like I wanted to have his babies. The truth is that he was a very basic, creepy young dude, who turned into a very basic, possibly-still creepy man. And that's the man who, every few years, tries to add me to Facebook, and sends me a message like "hey, gorgeous, how are you?". So he did that this week, without the gorgeous. I never reply.
Years after we graduated high school, The Guy wrote me and said he was so sorry for how he had treated me, and that he had let me get away, and shit. I didn't believe that bullshit for a second, I don't think he even liked me that much. I was a loner, and I was available. I suppose that he was single or horny (having a girlfriend didn't stop him from calling me) when he tried to apologize, I just said OK and moved on with my life.
I'm glad I had the good sense of not putting up with much more of his shit than that. I was stupid and I wanted someone to like me, so things could have gotten worse. I don't know him that much, but knowing what I know now, maybe he could have hurt me badly.
Fun story, eh?