Sensitive and callous
Friday, Nov. 22, 2019 - 5:48 pm.

Oh, boy. Andrew read my last entry. I don't know how many more people did before I deleted it the next day from my public blog. I only realized I'd posted it because I told Andrew about a dream I'd had the night before, and he asked if it had to do with my "latest post". "What latest post?", I asked. He kept making vague references to it, until it clicked for me. Then I rushed to the computer to delete it, but it'd been online for at least 12 hours, and it had been linked to from my Twitter account.

Andrew didn't say much about it, except he thought it was odd that I'd post something so personal. I told him it was a mistake, I wrote those things just for me. He seemed very understanding but also a bit annoyed over the weekend. I couldn't tell if it was solely because of my post or because there were other things going on, though.

Like I said, I don't know if other people read it, but nobody else commented anything. I'm hoping the usual invisibility of my writing worked its magic this time. My consolation is that it could have been worse, much worse, in terms of the things I write about.

Still horrfying that this happened, though. I'll just shut down the wordpress version of this diary. I opened it because it seemed DLand was going to disappear, but that isn't the case anymore, or not yet. This is the second time I confuse my private blog with my public one, too, as they are under the same account. I keep a back-up of all my entries in my hard drive, anyway, and if DLand run its course, I should just be thankful that my personal life has vanished from the internet.


The week hasn't been great:

1. House-hunting has been a bit of a letdown. While we were able to see the apartment we're hoping to get, it was only after the letting agent left us hanging for half a day without even an apology, and the apartment isn't even ready yet. We could say we'll take it, but it's not wise to sign the lease if we don't know how the place will turn out. I hope nobody else takes that chance. We're going to see it this week again, fingers crossed that the work is done and we can take it.

2. The mother of one of Andrew's closest friends died two days ago. Cancer. She was getting progressively sick since September, but it was just this month that they found out it was cancer, too advanced to do anything but to send her back home. She didn't even make it home, though.

Andrew and I went to the wake yesterday morning, and to a mass this one. Her family is huge and live out in the country, so they were taking her there today after mass. I hadn't been to mass in a long, long, long time. It was beautiful that the priest did a shoutout to the indigenous communities attending (Andrew's friend's mother is indigenous), and recited a few sections in the regional language.

I was constantly in tears or with a knot in my throat. I only met the lady once, when Andrew's friend invited us to his parents' house for supper with his family. I'm always deeply grateful when people, specialy those who've never met me, have me over in their home for a meal. I was just heartbroken for her, by seeing people in pain, and by seeing Andrew in pain over his friend's loss. There was also laughter and lots of love. What a strange thing it is to be left behind.

3. Well, this is awkard. A few days ago, my friend JC sent me a very formal, perhaps emotionally restrained message. He asked if "it was true" that I'd told W (my friend and mentor, and Psych teacher to both JC and me) that he (JC) sent me messages while he was stoned.

I noticed I got defensive after reading that. I hated the "someone said you said" basis of the message and the scolding tone demanding that I remembered a years-old conversation. I don't remember if I said such thing. I find it hard to say no if JC's coming on so strong about it, but I also don't want to say yes without knowing what I'm agreeing to. I may have been careless with my words, when I'm usually careful with how I speak about other people to avoid making fun or embarrassing my friends by discussing them with others.

Over the last two days, JC and I have had a back and forth covering the above. Just question from him and reply from me, then him insisting on the question and me insisting on the answer. He hasn't responded after that, and I don't feel bothered about it. Whatever was going on with this someone-said-I-said thing, it brought him great distress or real trouble, so my reflex to defend myself shouldn't be an excuse to dismiss this. But perhaps because I lack the context, I resented the demanding and scolding message.

It's funny how I'm able to deeply feel with and for other people, while I'm also able to feel detached, to be callous, to feel nothing about a friend who's angry at me. It's also weird to have a friend being angry at me. I don't make my friends angry, or maybe I don't have that many friends to anger.

I'd profusely apologize for being the cause of his distress or trouble, but I don't know to what extent I'm that cause. Maybe in another stage of my life I would have just owned the scolding without question, and without the long explanations that make me look guilty anyway, but I'd rather stand my ground this time. He does seem very angry and upset about all this, so perhaps I should expect that he's in the process of burning bridges with me.

4. On Monday, I went to the capital to renew my passport. It was a 20-minute errand, but I was out of the house for about 16 hours, between taxis, planes, and waiting times.

The capital was, metaphorically, on fire due to the ongoing social revolt. I found a nice taxi driver who drove me around the city centre before taking me to the airport, so I got to see all the grafitis and banners, and the people that were starting the protests that day. When I got home at night, I learned that people gathering in those streets had been gassed so bad by the police that they had to jump into the river in the dark (because they cut the electricity in the area so people couldn't record anything. In the videos of that night, you just hear people screaming and firearms going off).


Currently: I'm looking into plane tickets to go to my home country in January, and I'm making a list of stuff I want to work on during the weekend. Not work-work, just things that I enjoy.

Here's hoping next week gets a little better. Things are not entirely bad, but the morale isn't great either. I need a win.

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