(Don't) look back in anger
Tuesday, Dec. 31, 2019 - 3:41 pm.

At some point on Friday I thought I had to write my weekly entry, and then I just forgot. The weekend went by and now it's the last day of the year 2019. Or 20biteen, as bisexuals loved to call it. I'm told.

I find myself without many words or memories at the moment. I'm not in the headspace to look back on the year, let alone on the decade which has still one year left because there is no zero year.

I'm traveling to my home country tomorrow night, that's keeping my mind a bit busy. I'm not even planning anything, and I'm almost entirely packed. I'm mostly working on leaving everything in order, making back-ups, dealing with home finances, loading up my devices and stuff.

The holidays have been quite low key for Andrew and me. They have barely been anything. We've met with friends. We went to see his parents for Christmas, a quick visit from the 24th to the 25th. I was expecting my brother-in-law's death anniversary (the 23rd) to have more weight than it did in the end, for Andrew and mostly his parents, but at some point it hit me: it's been five years. Mother of God, he's been dead for five years.

Off the top of my head, I can only say: Well, this year I came back from the UK. I don't want to dig any deeper and it seems I can't, anyway. It feels like my memory is blocked, or at least it needs a good push if I want access to memories to say more than that. All I know is that yesterday I saw a friend's photo, and he and other people were at the Sheffield train station, and I felt like crying. The Sheffield train station was the gateway to a few of the most amazing moments of my life when I lived there. Oh, well. At least I brought a PhD back.

A useless PhD so far. Job precariousness is doing me in, for the record.

I'm grateful, though. Not happy but grateful. Andrew and I are doing well enough in all domains of life, as my boss' papers would say. We are worried about the uncertainty of the upcoming months, but we have a nice place to call our own. Most importantly, we haven't run out of possibilities and ifs and whens, so we remain hopeful.

Instead of rambling, I'll just go and do stuff I have to do before my trip. I'm aware that we're changing year, but it doesn't feel like a big deal, not anymore for me. You wake up the next day and you go on with your life. If you're me, you take a plane, but you could take planes any other day of the year (assuming you have reasons and money to do so).

Nevertheless: Happy 2020!

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