Saturday, Aug. 29, 2020 - 4:28 pm.
I still haven't submitted my manuscript corrections to the publisher. I'm bummed out about this dragging on, but Andrew's friend who's making the payment to the publisher for me in Spain is having trouble with her PayPal account. Nothing for me to do but wait. I'm still lucky I had someone over there to run this errand for me, and surely, after waiting for years to get this story out, I can wait another week.
This week I had one of those episodes that make me think I don't have borderline personality disorder only because I got lucky with having a loving, abuse-free family. It was a very silly thing with my girlfriend, it was just a misunderstanding but it made me blow up. Not at her, I had the good sense (and robust brain structures?) to get a grip. But still, inside I was fuming.
It was nothing, really. We were gonna have a phone call on Wednesday afternoon. I said I'd be in a meeting from 3 to 5 pm, we could talk before or after that. She said "let's talk afterwards, my friend is coming over to pick me up in a minute because he wants to talk". I knew her friend, I knew he'd been having trouble with his boyfriend who's giving out red flags. Also, she's told me stories when her friends get involved with red-flag people, she finds herself in the middle of a crisis with them and then the police appears.
I finished my meeting, and I didn't hear back from her. I kept waiting for her to tell me she was back home. The afternoon gave way to the evening, then night. I was actually relieved. A night to myself, not having to talk to her. That day had been exhausting for me, so it was good to just focus on myself.
Yet I kept looking at the phone. I sort of didn't acknowledge it that night but by 9 pm I was a little worried. I didn't want to text her, though, I didn't want to interrupt whatever was going on with her friend. Also, I didn't want to sound nagging, "are you home yet?". I supposed her friend needed help with something, they went to grab a bite and/or to confront his boyfriend, or kick him out, or whatever.
The next morning, I found a text from her. She'd sent it before midnight, by the time I was asleep: "Not sure what happened but I just wanted to wish you good night". That... that just made me explode. "NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED"?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED?! If I have to put it in words, it sounded to me like she was blaming me for not initiating contact last night.
I texted her back and long story short, she came home a couple of hours later after meeting with her friend. Nothing dramatic happened, but he had broken up with the guy (good!). She waited for me to let her know when I got off my meeting, and didn't text thinking I was very busy. In my head, I spoke in caps to her the whole time: NO, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WAS "OUT", *YOU* WERE SUPPOSED TO LET *ME* KNOW WHEN YOU WEREN'T OUT ANYMORE.
Behind the caps is a self-reassurance that this was not my fault. I gave her my schedule, meeting from 3 to 5 pm. She was the one who had a thing to do, and who was out, and I kept waiting for her to let me know whe she was back home, so I knew I wouldn't be interrupting anything with her friend.
For the sake of being honest, I told her I was really mad at her. Disproportionally, irrationally mad, that I'll grant you. I do think this was on her: If I'm the one who says is going out and we can talk after that, I let the other person when I'm back to let them know I'm available again. So I hated feeling like she was blaming me. Which she wasn't. I knew she wasn't, but a part of me was adamant on interpreting it that way.
I got stuff off my chest with her in the end, on a phone call the next day. I didn't want to say that nothing was wrong, because then she wouldn't know when I'm honestly saying that. I also knew telling her was the antidote for me to not hold a grudge against her. Usually, if I get to say what's bothering me, I get over it effortlessly. And a third reason is that she would stop thinking so highly of me. I mean, hell yes I love that someone thinks highly of me, but she should know my flaws so it can be easier for her to walk away from me eventually.
That last part blew up on my face, though. That night after our call she told me she was surprised because she found herself majorly turned on by how agressively I reacted. This gal is so into me she even finds my borderline personality traits hot, Jesus Christ. Which is awesome for me, but also, I could've hurt her.
I can treat people with care and respect even when I'm mad, and I was so careful not to snap at her, but with these episodes (which are rare, thankfully), I'm always on the verge of going off. It's great that she's so attracted to me and feels safe enough with me that even my irrational anger can be a fantasy for her, but again, I cringe thinking I could've hurt her somehow. The morning I got her text I was very pissed at her, feeling blamed and abandoned(?) since the night before. Even the previous night I'd noticed how ambivalent I was feeling towards her, happy to not having to talk to her while being unable to sop thinking about her.
That's it. She acknowledged she should've let me know when she was home. We learned we have to communicate expectations better and she got to know my flaws better. The end. We have a date tonight, in which I'm sure she'll go over this again and I'll trail behind her like a sucker.
On another front, in a few days, it will be Andrew and my anniversary of being back from the UK. A full year since we returned to this side of the pond. I don't want to dwell too much on it. We still cry at the slightlest memory, at the pictures that pop up on our feed. It's a loss we can't get over. Our life in the UK, with all its shortcomings, was beautiful. Sheffield was perfect. We knew it had an expiration date, that life, even though we looked for options to stay.
(Fuck. Victoria, the woman I fell in love with before leaving the UK, just replied to some photos I posted about how much I miss Sheffield. She wrote "missing you". I'm gonna cry. Oh, my God, I still feel so much for her)
I guess, on the bright side, I can say that we're doing pretty well here. We managed to bring our cats back and find ourselves a little place in this smoke-filled city, with some help from friends and my boss. We settled down and safely right before the country exploded last October and in time to face the pandemic earlier this year. That's lucky.
All in all, life's flowing nicely. I'm getting some serious work done, I'm waiting for my book to come out, my family's doing ok, I have a lovely girlfriend and the best spouse anybody could dream of. Andrew and I have everything we need. We enjoy little pleasures everyday, like having a glass of wine, and big pleasures that I should talk about on an OnlyFans account. I always feel privileged, specially during these terrible times. I'm very grateful.
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