Saturday, Sept. 12, 2020 - 10:40 am.
It has come to my attention that I need to focus. Time goes by quickly while doomscrolling on Twitter, specially when I scramble (unsuccesfully) to say something meaningful to contribute to the topics I care about. I was able to pull out a blog post yesterday, however, which made me feel accomplished and useful. It went by unacknowledged except fpr three or four people. This is the aftermath of my productivity that discourages, until I feel the urge to create again and I realize I do these things mostly for myself.
I submitted the corrections for my book yesterday. I have yet to hear back from my contact at the publisher. I haven't made the payment, my friend in Spain returned from holiday yesterday, but I panicked and submitted the corrections plus my author photo. This was because someone else from the publisher emailed me saying she was only waiting for my photo to send the book to printing and I was like noooooooooooo. I found fundamental flaws in the story, plus some non-mistakes that the editor corrected in the original, so the manuscript cannot go to print without these corrections.
Having seen the state of my manuscript after they "revised" it, I'm panicking. Now it's not about the time it takes to get it out, now it's truly about getting the story right. I mean, it's always been about that, but I used to be more concerned with the book not coming out yesterday.
Anything else this week? Why, yes. My poor mother getting sick. She's seeing an oncologist at the end of the month, thanks to Brother #2's medical contacts in our home country (he lives in the US). I got anxious last week when I found out she wasn't feeling well, it sounded serious and I started repeating in my head that it's my dad who's supposed to go first so she can have a few years of freedom.
She's been feeling better, but now my dad has fallen on his "cyclical illness" in which he induces himself fever and vomit and acts like a moaning sack of potatoes. Don't get me wrong, I believe him. I believe he feels sick and miserable, but there's also a lot of manipulation and asking for attention and pity in all this.
My mother's health and body are so fragile that I'm terrified that my dad's condition will end up breaking her, physically and emotionally. I am genuinely terrified that she will die in this circle of hell that is taking care of my dad. This week she wrote to the family chat asking my two doctor brothers if my dad could take antidrepressants because he kept telling her to take his shoes off when he was barefoot. Knowing my parents, I cannot start to describe all the fuck-upness contained in the previous sentence. Yes, my dad would have benefited from therapy decades ago. My dad is sick, and also an asshole.
Also, my dad keeps writing pro-government columns, which for someone who spent 60 years of his life doing critical journalism, is just another nail on his coffin. I, however, choose to focus now on the fact that my sister is a professor in a gender studies master's program and I randomly came across a live broadcast of a conference for this program in which she was the moderator. I felt very happy and proud. And Brother #3, a social psychologist, is also writing columns for an online journal from a critical standpoint, which also makes me happy and proud.
Other than that, it's business as usual, I guess. Andrew got some dental surgery on Thursday but thankfully it didn't leave him bed-ridden as we feared. We're preparing for a holiday this week for Independence Day, stacking up on food and leisure activities (hell yes, free time!), and not much else for the foreseable future. Which is fine. We have work to keep us busy, we order most of our stuff online, and we're able to save a bit every month.
The only major change lately around here is that we moved the TV to the bedroom for Andrew to rest comfortably after surgery...which, as he's not bed-ridded, turns out it was not necessary. I'm not a fan of TVs in bedrooms, but it gave our bedroom the feeling of a hotel room (since it also has its own bathroom), which was... yeah, exciting. I know it's dumb, but it was exciting, and anyway our couch is very uncomfortable. So we'll keep the TV in the bedroom for the weekend.
Lastly, things with my girlfriend are... going? I have been distant this week, save for one condescending attitude on her part that upset me a lot and I called her out for it. I got all borderline personality on her, in my head, but I didn't reply until I was calmer. And when I did so, I opted to talk in "I" statements to show her clearly what was going on. So that was solved.
Also, in my defense, two nights in a row she's kept me waiting for a reply and comes back to talk until I start saying goodbye. She's not being mean, the first night she was busy with friends, and I don't expect her to drop her life appear at my command when I write her. But she could've told me she was busy so I could've gone do something else. This waiting has made me realize how I miss not having to be so dependent on my phone and having the nights free to myself, instead of checking it every two minutes in case she replied and so I won't leave her hanging.
I need to find a balance or make some changes in my routine, but I don't have any clarity on what or how yet.