Friday, Feb. 12, 2021 - 11:35 am.
I'm in a much better physical and mental state than last week. I cried, I overslept, I had Andrew supporting me, and it passed. These things thankfully pass in a matter of days.
It also helped that I had something unusual to look forward to. Tomorrow, Saturday, WE'RE GOING TO THE FUCKING COUNTRYSIDE TO STAY AT A CABIN AND SEE A LAKE AND TREES AND ANIMALS and we'll possibly have cake. It's my vet friend K's birthday on Sunday. Her husband and her parents want to celebrate it in their country house, and since they know Andrew and I live holed up in our apartment, they deemed it was safe to invite us. Her parents are older and her dad has some chronic conditions so I appreciate the trust.
Before I continue to be absolutely chuffed (one of my favorite British expressions) about this, I just need to recap. Last week I was all triggered, whatever that means other than being on the verge of tears and muscle-clenching all the time. I wrote a note to my girlfriend explaining this to her, and how a particularly sexual interaction she had with me made that worse. I didn't want to talk to her at all, but also I didn't want her to feel bad and I know she needs all the context possible to understand what goes on with me, as we are countries apart.
The letter both helped me digest my own feelings and put her at ease. I told her I didn't feel like talking to her at the moment, but what had happened was not a dealbreaker, although my first impulse when she sent the pictures was to break up with her. So I went Sunday and Monday without talking to her, but I missed her too much and I realised I didn't truly want to break up with her, like I'd said in my last entry.
And that's it. I reached out to her, apologised for my outburst, she apologised for what she'd done and comforted me, which was probably all I wanted all along. I wanted to feel validated in my pain, even if I still question whether that pain is warranted at all. So we're good now.
Then the week has been mostly uneventful. Andrew and I got blood tests as part of our health assessment for the adoption, and I went to the dentist again. I'm fucking angry that this treatment doesn't seem to end, and each last session becomes the second-to-last, but I think the one coming next week (AGAIN) is indeed the last one. They did give me a treatment plan, I just keep thinking that they'll do what's left in one session, but they don't. Fuckers, like I don't have better things to do. It's hard getting to the clinic without a car during lockdown.
I'm halfway through the summer break, two weeks have gone, two weeks are left. I'm already frustrated that half of my vacation is gone. I keep a list of tasks so I won't lose my day doomscrolling. I've accomplished some stuff, I've put off other stuff, like signing up for driving lessons to get my license and writing my bio for our adoption file.
Anyway, the good news is that Andrew and I will be leaving the house this weekend, and going to a beautiful, isolated place. I've mentioned that my vet friend's family owns a lot of land. A lot. Their property includes nearly half of a lake and woods where pumas live, not to mention all their cattle and horses and sheep, and the farms of the workers who work that land and their families.
I guess when I go there I feel a bit of, um, class shame? It's a cool place to spend a weekend, but also I wonder who needs that much land and how one gets to own it (I cannot speak for my friend's family, but this region has been built on European colonizers stealing the lands of indigenous peoples, and violent struggles continue to this day). I don't want to sound ungrateful, I am very grateful for my friend's invitation and of course I keep my mouth shut on these issues around her.
Let's bask in on the sunny side: WE'RE GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND. Hence why I'm writing now. Lockdown in the city was lifted yesterday, but since contagion numbers are not going down here, despite the month-long lockdown, we'll probably go back to it soon. I might as well make the most of the only trip I've made in a year, and that I will probably make for the next six months to a year.
I do miss traveling. Lately after my weekly videocalls with my parents back home, I feel like crying. I miss my family. I've lived far away from my parents and siblings for a good part of my life now, but this is the longest I've gone on without seeing them.
Oh, well, another fun thing that brought me joy: a friend who read my book made a meme about it! Hell yes, I'm on my way to stardom.