Thursday, 11/07/02 - 2:14 pm.
Art and Cel came over yesteday afternoon. We studied a lot and spent fun, fun times. I felt I was ready for today's exams. My last exams.
I got several wounds at night. I wrote something for Pablo. And for Vic. I cut a bit more, to decorate the black piece of paper with my blood.
I logged into the MSN messenger, and Denver was online. As soon as I logged in, he said hello. We didn't talk a lot. I decided to log out. We weren't talking, and probably we wouldn't, even if I tried. I kept changing my name, until I left it as . F . U . C . K . Y . O . U . Suddenly, I opened the main window and saw Denver's name was changed too. It went from: in every mother, there's a potential mother-in-law to . F . U . C . K . M . E .
- Me: well, good night.
- Me: (nice name)
- Him: I know.
- Him: I learned from the best.
- Me: right.
- Me: good night.
*********
Today, the class of 2002 was told to go to the basketball court for our last get-together.
They sang songs and stuff. I didn't. I ran away, and sat with Fidel and Hector, watching from far away. People were crying. I was drinking coffee. We are a bastard generation, I said. But it was nice. Although I wasn't there, I felt good. It felt good where I was, with whom I was.
It's kind of hard to believe that it's been around a year...
the class went to the basketball court and started singing and crying and hugging....it was quite pathetic. I don't want next year to come, much less to finish. By this time next year, I'll be a prozac junkie.
It was almost the same as last year. Only this time it was *my* class. I didn't consider it pathetic, just something I wouldn't do. And I'm not a prozac junkie or anything.
(...although I'm a self-mutilation junkie.)
I'm just thinking of time. It flies, it changes you.
After that, it was like New Year's Eve. People hugging and crying, the thank-you's and the I'll-miss-you's, the you-are-so-cool's and the I-love-you's.
Melvin...I hugged Melvin, and he said he thought of me yesterday, going through all the letters and drawings I gave to him. Thank you so much for all the things you did for me, for helping me last year. Thank you. I hugged all the people I care about, but never said goodbye. It's hard to believe things won't be the same again. But I'll see them again. I have to.
I didn't hug Denver. I saw him, but I didn't approach. He didn't approach either. To Norman, Carmen, Adriana, Veronica, Rod, Vic, Cel and Art I just said "see you later".
I had to wait for my dad to pick me up at 11:45. It was only 10:50. So I walked around, for the last time, in my school hallways. Strange enough, barely remembering anything. Just carpe diem.
I think I left school with more questions than answers. Hector said that was the purpose of teaching.
We were asked to write something down for the graduation mass. They gave us a piece of paper in which we'd write down something we offer. I offered my blood. I cut myself to get a few drops.
While wandering around, I thought I should go say "see you later" to Fidel. I did. Then I went to Karla's office. I wanted to hug her good-bye.
I walked in, and the pastoral gang was there. How long had it been since I was there for the last time? Norman, Roberto, Angelica, Carmen and Fo, with Karla, making plans to go eat out. Karla smiled when she saw me: the voices! (that's how she calls me). I stayed in the doorway, absorbing that image, of the pastoral gang in their domains. Norman writing, Fo next to Karla, Angelica doing some craft, Roberto laying down on a small couch, Carmen talking about the plans...Then someone covered my eyes. I knew he was missing in that picture. Denver. He was next door, in Geovanni's office.
I walked in there, and talked to him for a while. Then I hugged him and said it was because of his psychology classes that I decided to become a psychologist. I wanted to show him my scars, but I found no reason to do so.
Then I went back to Karla's office, and said good-bye to everybody. Denver slid his finger down my forearm, I felt his finger touching slowly every scar on it.
- Him: For every cut you have, I'll cut myself twice
- Me: blah, blah, blah...
- Norman smiled: I knew she'd say that.
Then Denver grabbed a pair of scissors. I tried to stop him. Then we just hugged and argued for a while, (while we were hugging). It was like the old times. We hugged for a relatively long time. Then I said goodbye to Karla and left.
I sat on a bench, all alone, to wait for my dad. Everybody had already left.
A few minutes later, I saw the pastoral gang leaving school. Denver bent his body and hugged me again. I'm getting a haircut...how would you like it?. We exchanged a few words. Then I realized the rest of the gang had already left school, they were almost turning around the corner and he didn't seem to care. Norman and Carmen were waiting for him. But he was still hugging me.
Let's go, they're leaving without us!, Norman yelled. He kissed me on my forehead and left. His kisses are very nice.
I still love him. I love him. But there's nothing else for me but move on.
It's just that he makes me want to be strong enough to let go, but then he makes me weak and I keep holding on thight to this.
******
Well...it's over. The life as I know it has officially ended.
I'm glad. I'm sad. I'm thankful. I wouldn't change anything.
But it's still hard for me to believe it's really over.
prev / next