Saturday, Jun. 05, 2021 - 11:01 am.
I broke up with Helen last Saturday night. For 20 minutes. Then I asked her to take me back. The videocall was a rollercoaster with lots of tears involved, but it cleared my thoughts and my feelings. I was somewhat clear that I wasn't ending the relationship because of anything about her, but because of things about me. Every once in a while, I'm too tired to respond properly to her.
She loves me and supports me, though, and we talked those things through. It wouldn't have been a relief to finish the call as exes, it's a good thing I felt regret sooner. I like her a lot. I like calling her my girlfriend. So we're good now. I'm happy I'm with her. The relationship continues, with a few tweaks whenever I feel overwhelmed or exhausted.
On pandemic news, Andrew and I just went to get our second dose this morning. They didn't have our vaccine, however, so we'll have to come back on Monday, which is still within the window for the second dose. At least we got a nice walk in a chilly autumn morning, and we stopped by the gas station in front of our building for coffee and croissants. Here's hoping we'll get our second dose on time.
Work is good, I'm working the bare minimum these days, but it seems that's good enough, God bless. I have to give a lecture this Tuesday on queer identities in the "postmodernist" era (WTF). I've been preparing it for a while, and now I hope I can have fun with it.
My Instagram account for my comic strip is up and running. It only has two silly posts, but posting twice per week works for me. Actually, I check the account from time to time, but it's my girlfriend who runs it, uploading posts and working on the schedules and hashtags and follows. She's putting in the work that I know is necessary to reach out, but which I could never take too seriously.
She's really happy with this project. I was prepared to take over the account after the break-up, but fully acknowledging that this account was her idea and her hard work. I'm remaking the strips, yes, but she manages everything. Which is a lot like what happens with two characters in my strip who fall in love, one starts being the manager of the other, they break up, and continue working together. I never got around to publishing that whole arc, but it was fun in my head. And it's always funny to see some things I write in my head materialize in my life.
Yesterday, an older friend of mine told he his daughter (12, 13?) came out to him as queer, and she also told her parents she cut herself. When I got his message I was finishing work on my Tuesday lecture, feeling a bit raw from it, and while the coming out as queer is magnificent, I was so sad for her. I know she's had a hard time adjusting to different life changes due to her dad's work, and the cutting part broke me.
I don't often remember that I used to cut myself. If anything, it's in the early days of this diary, around 17 to 19 years old. I just remember I was in pain and cutting made me feel relieved. While I kind of wanted to be noticed for it, I didn't want to get in trouble about it and I found comfort in this little secret. I was very fucked up back then, but I can't remember why. I don't think I ever knew exactly why.
Anyway, my friend and I might have a chat one of these days about it. I hope his daughter feels some kind of relief after coming out (and hopefully my friend and his wife reacted sensibly), and she starts feeling more comfortable with herself.
One last thing: I came across a Twitter user, a trans kid, who was having a raffle to raise money for his gender-affirming surgery. I think I mentioned him a few entries ago. Anyway, I donated a couple of my books so he could use as prizes, lots of people contributed and he got enough money for the surgery, and now it turns out I won something! An illustration. I'm thrilled.
(I just checked the illustrator and this person is also transitioning, and what a joy to encounter people who are living their truth)
Ok, so here's hoping next week I can say I'm fully vaccinated. Here's also hoping the raging dictatorship in my country burns to the ground, though that's unlikely to happen. Let's just stick to hoping for the second dose of the vaccine, and being grateful that my family and friends are doing well, all things considered.