Saturday, Aug. 14, 2021 - 12:02 pm.
Last week I spent four days straight(ish) socialising and eating junk accordingly, plus going to bed past midnight. It was like the pandemic was over and everything happened at once. It made me nervous, but some commitments just came out of nowhere and others went on for longer than I expected.
Last week’s Thursday evening, 5th of August, Andrew and I met with a couple of friends for the birthday of one of them. Friday night was going to be for the two of us, but then our friend L asked if we were free to hang out. She came over and ran into another friend who was visiting quickly. On Saturday we had a friend from another city staying with us until Monday morning, and also another friend stopped by in the morning with an inflatable mattress. On Saturday night, Andrew and I met with my boss for dinner, always a delight.
A second friend was going to stay at our apartment for the weekend too, but he kept switching plans. We finally saw him at yet another friend’s house for his birthday celebration, which lasted most of Sunday afternoon/evening (and which was the reason why the first friend staying with us came to town in the first place).
It was a whirlwind. It was fun. It was unexpectedly queer: our friend L came out to us as bi, and so there were three bisexuals at our little dining table on Friday night. For the Sunday birthday celebration, there were seven people and four of us were bi. Andrew also ended up coming out to our two friends who were staying over (the one who didn’t stay stopped for coffee anyway), to the surprise of neither, as Andrew and his friends grew up salivating over Brit pop artists.
Nevertheless, it was exhausting. All this happened on the week that I attended driving school every weekday from 8:30 to 10:30 pm, plus daily quizzes. I aced the theory, by the way, I just have to schedule my practice hours. That and a two-hour session with the adoption psychologist on Tuesday, which came right before one of my driving classes.
In a nutshell, last-last week was quite demanding, and I felt the effects for most of this week.
This past Wednesday afternoon I started feeling like I had a cold. My body was heavy, I was having a bit of a fever, I was breathing faster than normal. I thought I got covid. I thought that if this virus got to me, I was gonna go nuts. I didn't seek to hang out with people, but I also didn't turn down any of the invitations to get together. Luckily, Thursday rolled in and all of the symptoms, besides feeling tired, went away.
If all this wasn't enough, my girlfriend's been sick since last weekend. She's had pain that's landed her in the ER, and it turned out it's gallstones. She was worried sick, and as some of us tend to do, she died a thousand deaths in the hours before she got her diagnosis. Thankfully, it wasn't something as severe.
But I haven't been in the best emotional shape to be there for her. This is exactly why I've tried to break up with her. We'd reached a good point in which I was told I could very well not reach out to her everyday. But then this past Monday night, as I was reeling from four days of socializing, eating like shit and sleeping late, I decided I wasn't in the best mood to check up on her; I'd do it on Tuesday and maybe even we could have a call so I could tell her all about my wild long weekend (for my standards).
She's been feeling scared and vulnerable from the pain, which is absolutely understandable. So Tuesday came, I messaged her, and after a brief catch-up she said she was bummed that I didn't reach out to her the night before. I bit my tongue and apologized. What I truly wanted to say was "I told you. I fucking told you". I care for her, I worry about her, but I'm dealing with my immediate life here and I'm not able to meet her needs when she needs that the most.
On Friday morning I woke up to a message she sent at 4 am, asking me if I could please call her for five minutes before I started work. It sounded serious and I panicked, I thought someone she knew had died. Then I thought maybe something happened to her after getting together with a couple of friends the night before, or maybe the pain was back and she was in the hospital. But the cryptic message made me think of the worst; usually she writes a message or records a voice note to let me know what's going on.
She had, in fact, landed in the hospital again with horrible pain. After having gone through the worst-case scenarios I was relieved to learn it wasn't death-related, and I tried to comfort her. I know she needed that. But also deep down I really resented... this whole thing. Me wanting to be left alone, because clearly I don't have the character nor the stomach -literally- to deal with socializing in a post-pandemic(?) world, while she needs to be listened to and comforted as she learns to manage her pain.
She isn't asking for anything out of the ordinary for anyone in her position. I'm just not in the condition to give her what she needs.
Today's our weekly videocall, but I just had a videocall with a friend from the UK and in the afternoon, Andrew and I are going to see another friend for her birthday, and I'm not sure how long it will take. My girlfriend said we can reschedule, she sometimes says we can take a break from talking for a couple of days if I need it, but I don't believe that anymore.
Ugh. Enough of this.
There's also the issue of me traveling to my home country in late December for a week or two. I have the flight schedule sorted, I'm not sure it's the best idea, but who the fuck know anything anymore. I'll just get the tickets and hope for the best. My goal in life is going through it without having the PCR test done to me, but I don't have that much control over my life, do I?
I guess I can count on my life being this demanding and more once our child comes. I won't mind then, I've gladly accepted the hecticness that will come (on paper at least, expect me to come and moan here the moment I get some free time from raising our dear little goblin). I suppose these days have been good training in that sense.
And anyway, that's just life, isn't it? I'm just very sheltered and privileged in terms of how I dispose of my time, and a minor diversion from that feels devastating to me. I complain a lot, but I'm still doing quite alright. My family's fine, too, Brother and Sister-in-Law #3 are recovering. I have more to be thankful for than to complain about.