Saturday, Dec. 18, 2021 - 8:24 pm.
I spent the first half of this week on a perpetual verge of crying, feeling so anxious and stressed out that I craved having a therapist to talk to. It’s the sum of many things: questions about my trauma, the adoption heartbreak (related to the former), the end-of-semester workload, the possibility of a fascist government after this Sunday’s election, and the stress of traveling home and being with my family during the holidays.
I do think it’s time to see a therapist and face that thing I can’t remember, but in the meantime: we went shopping on Wednesday afternoon at a store of independent makers; I love it so much. We went to a rally for the leftist presidential candidate on Tuesday; I hate that I can’t vote here yet. And we’ve taken it easy with the workload, despite the demands that arise at the end of the semester.
To continue speaking of “we”, Andrew and I, we’re angry and disillusioned with our friend K. She’s going through a rough patch with her husband and she came to our apartment to talk. That's standard procedure in our friendship. But then the Sunday elections came up, and she said unpleasant things that stem from apathy and from the privilege of being untouchable on account of being wealthy and white.
The conversation itself was only mildly frustrating, and then we talked about lighter topics. But then she left, and Andrew and I found ourselves with a pit in our stomach and with a general nasty vibe that we couldn’t shake off until we went to bed. She's been amazing to us many times, but this is a bit like a person who treats you well but treats the waiter like crap. We wouldn't mind if we started to drift apart.
Although we wouldn’t be on the physical frontlines for his attacks, Andrew and I fall on a few categories that the fascist candidate hates: queers, Social Science academics, a childless couple. Plus, I’m an immigrant (again, though, I would be the last person in trouble for this, as this country is racist and aporophobic, and I'm a White-passing middle-class entity).
Not to mention I’d be worth shit as a woman who hasn’t and doesn’t want to go through childbirth. But K isn’t voting, “both candidates are the same”, and she’d love to leave the country regardless of who wins because people here have no empathy.
Fuck you, K.
Last night, Andrew met with K’s husband and another friend just to hang out. The partner of this other friend, also my closest friend in this city, said that then the three of us girls should meet up too while the boys had their thing. At first I said yes because I haven’t hung out with this friend in so long, but then I thought of K. I cancelled on them.
So I stayed home alone last night. Found a nice series on Netflix, fixed myself a drink, and relaxed. It was so good. So, so good. I needed this.
I’ve spent this day preparing my trip home. I’ll be on my way next Saturday, right on Christmas Day. My shoulders are sore from the stress of rescheduling flights and booking hotels to endure layovers and wait for PCR tests, and from bleeding money for all this, but I did what I’d set out to do.
Also, I’ll be staying in a B&B in my home country. My plan of staying with either of three siblings fell apart. At a fundamental level, I feel hurt, but overall I’m really glad that I’ll have my own space and I won’t invade my siblings’. I’m essentially a tourist in my own country by now, and I don’t want to disrupt the daily lives of those who have to endure living there.
Also, Helen is picking me up at the airport next Saturday. Fancy that. That's how I'll finally meet my ex girlfriend face to face.
Presidential elections here are being held tomorrow. I’m terrified, so fucking terrified. I get hopeful from time to time but the far-right tends to get their way by bullying, lying and instilling fear. Pray for this long country and wish it the best.
I hope to write one more entry before I leave, but I may not be able to write in here until mid-January because I’m not taking my laptop on my trip. Also, I want to move somewhat stealthy so a lot of people won’t know I’m there. I’ll try to sneak in an update from my home country, though. Anyway, I’ll probably do some journaling regardless of when I get to post it.