A flexible emotional bandwidth
Saturday, Apr. 30, 2022 - 12:16 pm.

I just got the 4th dose of the covid vaccine. Andrew and I were eligible for it and we weren't gonna pass on this opportunity. It's easy to take these vaccines for granted, but we appreciate having access to them.

We got our vaccine on campus, so we only had to do a 15-minute walk, wait a bit, get it, and then walk back home. We stopped for coffee on our way back, at the gas station in front of our apartment building (there are no coffee shops within walking distance here). It was nothing fancy, and it's a cold, cloudy autumn day, but I absolutely enjoy and cherish these moments with Andrew. 

I'm having a very social day today, actually. We're having friends over for lunch, then I'm having a video call with my friend V. in the evening, which should be fun and for which I plan on getting drunk (i.e., drinking one third of a wine glass, maybe two thirds to get smashed). It doesn't sound like much, but it takes time and energy to interact with people, doesn't it? Andrew and I are trying to do more things now, to take a proper break from our workday routine.

Speaking of work, I'm trying to set up two events for Pride month in uni. I want to stream a class I'm teaching and a movie screening. It's hard to set this up, I don't move fast when it comes to asking strangers to do things for me, and I don't have contacts in uni to begin with.

Worse, I'd finally secured a space for the screening, after asking around for a week, and last night I found out that they scheduled me for a holiday. No wonder they had the space free that day. It's fixable but until Monday, when I can contact the person in charge and let them know uni's closed that day and to ask for another slot. But the whole thing discourages me, things can't just go my way without a hassle for once.

The class stream is also unsolved, because the unit I belong to can only stream me talking on a specific platform, and not from zoom. Hence, there'd be no students able to verbally ask questions and engage in conversation, which should be the fucking point besides me just talking for an hour.

I'm on my way to fix both problems, this is taking time and an emotional bandwidth that I barely have. But I know I'll regret it if June comes and I have done nothing to commemorate Pride. ALSO, these events will probably bomb and only a handful people will attend, because for some reason nothing I ever do (books, comics, talks) is interesting enough to attract the attention of a good crowd. I already had a seminar this year to present the results of my ongoing research, and at the end I only got a question from a friend (bless him for his support, though).

Oh, well. Why do we do the things we do, right?

This week was also my third session with my therapist. Really nice insights about how my memory works and about my relationship with my body, I cried a bit to my own surprise. I'm also trying to keep a journal to discuss my sessions, which probably sounds like an overkill, but I am who I am.

I've been talking to Helen more again because she's in Houston while her aunt's in the hospital, in the last stages of cancer. Helen lost her mother to cancer years ago, too, and her aunt is the only current functional adult in her family and caregiver for her and her sisters, despite living countries apart. I mean, Helen and her sisters are adults too, but losing their aunt would make them feel like orphans again. I can't do much, but I want to be there for her.

On the other hand, I haven't told her that I'm going to my, to our home country in July. Never got around talking to Andrew about the things I've done with her, because I'm a coward and I know I could hurt him, so I'm thinking that at least I shouldn't do it again. Hence I haven't told her about my trip. I don't know what expectations I have myself, and how to manage hers in case she wants to travels to see me.

I don't feel bad for having done what I did. Each person occupies a different space in me that the other couldn't nor shouldn't occupy. I know what I've done, and I'm very clear on how I feel about one person and the other (I do have a more extended emotional bandwidth here). But it's harder to externalize all that to either of them.

Right! This is a fun topic, but it's time to go prepare the house for guests. Our friends are bringing their baby, although I think she now qualifies as a toddler. She's a delightful tiny person, but also she can walk now, and so I need to go hide some things.

Damn, another month wrapping up. Be well, stay safe.  

prev / next