Just. Be. Strong.
Monday, 11/11/02 - 2:23 pm.

I slept on a couch last night. I just didn't want to sleep on my bed. It was weird when I felt my...self landing back in my body, like I softly fell back in reality, and that's when I woke up. And that's when I realized how uncomfortable that couch was, so I got back to my bed.

I suppose the above has no real point.

According to the prophecy, we disconnected our phones. It's such a nice feeling to unplug those weirdos, and be certain that no one will bother you for two hours.

Cel's advice is to stop talking to him. My voices' advice is to stop thinking of him. Just get the hell away from him.

In fact, this morning, I found myself thinking of anything but him.

- Voice: and why is that?
- Me: because there's just nothing, N O T H I N G else to do to save this.

We sort of talked online before noon. As usual, he seemed not to care about me. And the most hurtful thing was, as usual, when he left.

I was about to cry. But I stopped myself. Voices repeating that I have to be strong. I have to be stoic. I don't have to let him get to me. It's enough already. It's beating a dead horse (hi, I'm a dead horse).

He's slowly getting out of my life, he will, and I will recover. It'll take me at least a year but sooner or later, I will. I highly doubt I'll get over him by finding someone else though. Yesterday I had the terrible thought of me being single my whole life. Of course I don't want to get married right now, nor in the next four or five years, but one day I will. I'm the kind of person that needs emotional stability and exclusivity, although I've never had it. And that's exactly why I think I'll be single. Because...I'm 17 and completely unexperienced (I don't mean sex), always been rejected. No one is for me and viceversa. I ask for the most simple things in a relationship and I still get nothing at all.

I've seen the word Denver in so many places lately. HBO was featuring a movie called Things to do in Denver when you're dead (or something like that) last night. I keep seeing random people on TV wearing sweaters that say Denver, a movie that mentioned some place in Denver, CO, and a lot of topics on the Aerosmith message boards regarding some Denver Travel Package and the gig Aerosmith will play in Denver (one of my voices said Aerosmith had betrayed me...but that's not true -you heard me, bitch-). Damn whoever gave him that nickname.

I often find life making fun of me.

I just wish I could yell at him. Call him liar. Tell him how hurtful he is.

But no. I'm just going to...I don't know yet. But when I find out what, I will.

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