Friday, Dec. 09, 2022 - 6:13 pm.
Expanding on my last entry, Andrew and I also went Christmas shopping today. We got two days off work due to a religious holiday (holla to my Raised Catholics homies!) plus the weekend. We're preparing to meet with assorted friends, around food of course, and to celebrate our own Christmas dinner this weekend, because next Friday I'll be hopping on a plane to my home country.
We went to a sort of strip mall. While I waited for Andrew to finish an errand, I walked around and I got to the end of the strip. There was a toy store there and I suddenly I wanted to cry. I suppose I'm fine with the adoption not happening (yet?), until it's the holidays with Christmas music blasting all over and I see a toy store and I want to run away from it.
We finished our shopping trip at the supermarket. We're hosting friends tomorrow morning, friends that we made in Sheffield and who now, like Andrew and I, moved back here. They're a couple and now they have a tiny plus one. Andrew's the chef, for this breakfast and for our Christmas dinner, so he was doing most of the shopping, he had all the ingredient list in his head.
I mostly just pushed the car and felt heartbroken. The holidays do that to me. I grew up having happy holidays with my family, these days make me feel warm inside. But then, I know these are not happy times for a lot of people. Hell, they aren't for Andrew. There is a profound discrepancy between what these holidays are supposed to be and how many people experience them. I think the happier you're supposed to be, the more heartbreaking these days can be.
When we left the strip mall, there was an old lady selling some vegetables on a corner. A car with what was evidently a conservative, affluent family stopped by to check out the vegetables and then quickly drove away. The lady on the passenger seat seemed to examine the vegetables, not seeing the old lady at all, and then made a face of disgust. Then again, a lot of Chilean people (mostly white and affluent) have a perpetual expression of disgust. Fucking miserable people. But the whole scene broke my heart a little bit more.
You need money to celebrate these holidays, because they entail food, presents, decoration, travelling. You need a family who's nearby, with whom you are on good terms, and who love you and accept you to celebrate. My brother-in-law died by suicide a day before Christmas' Eve, too. It's all so dissonant.
Anyway. Happy news: my dad finally got his surgery today! His blocked artery has been, well, unblocked!
My two brothers who are medical doctors, 1 and 2, moved all sorts of resources to make sure my dad would respond well to the surgery (he missed it twice because this man could not get a fucking grip and his blood pressure shot up). Brother #1 travelled to be on the surgery team or whatever they call it. So it's done, and everything went well. God fucking bless.
This is all from me for now. I'm starting to pack my bags and plan the details of my trip. I have mixed feelings because I always have to split my heart in two during the holidays, but I'm glad I'm going to see my parents and siblings, plus a few friends. Then I'll be back to ring in the New Year with Andrew and the cats.
I'll try to write before I leave on Friday.