My body's fractured but I crack on
Friday, Jan. 13, 2023 - 8:29 pm.

I've said I'm not big on looking back and doing a year-in-review type of thing, but there was something that went on throughout 2022 that had an impact on me. I both went to therapy and found medical treatment for my fractured jaw.

A lot of things were connected that were addressed by either or both of those two treatments and my quality of life improved. I gained more control over my body, the pain went away. I was grateful for being able to get help. I was proud for seeking it and for getting through both processes. But this week the pain in my fractured jaw has returned. For a very stupid reason.

I can't remember if I mentioned this last week, but on December 31st I injured the right side of my ribcage. It was the dumbest thing because it was not the consequence of a blow, let alone a trauma. What happened can barely be counted as contact.

Andrew and I were fucking, he was on top of me without resting his weight on me. He shifted his hands to better distribute his weight and as he landed his hand on the mattress, he grazed my ribcage. And yet I felt a strong pain, as if something had broken. The pain went away quickly and we finished our business.

I lifted weights the next day, and the following day, January 2nd, I did cardio. The latter was when the pain in my ribcage returned, and it hasn't gone away to this day. I waited for a week and then last weekend, I finally made an appointment to get it checked.

I've had a bit of hard time trying to explain what happened to doctors and nurses. I'm not ashamed of the fucking part (in fact: LOL), it's just that...nothing really happened to warrant such pain.

I have yet to receive the results of the scan. The doctor said it could be that nerves shifted, which can be as painful as a fracture. I have two perpetually broken bones, the jaw and the back bone, and the pain on my side feels familiar. But again, Andrew's hand just brushed against my body, it cannot be a fracture.

I'm on pain medication, which hasn't done a lot. The pain gets worse at night and in the morning, that is, when I'm lying down. I had to stop exercising. I've had to sleep on my back, which I find uncomfortable. I usually fall asleep on the side that now hurts. If I sleep on my other side, well, that's where the fracture of my jaw is... but I've tried, and that's why the pain on my jaw has returned.

After therapy and the jaw treatment, it has been quite a while since I cried because of pain. There are periods when I feel I'd be put to sleep if I was any other type of animal. My body does what it can, but it's the broken bones, it's the wonky digestive system, it's the weird, stupid pains like this one on my ribcage coming out of nowhere and flaring up. It's so frustrating.

But I want to think it'll pass. These periods of pain have come and gone before. I gotta be compassionate with my body, I gotta listen to it and be patient. Whatever the injury in my ribcage is, there's not a lot to do but to manage the pain and to wait for the bones, the nerves, the cartilages to shift again and calm the fuck down.

Other than that: I'm doing well, thank you! I had an amazing, fruitful, quiet time last weekend when Andrew went out of town with his friends. From Friday night to Sunday night all my existence revolved around myself (and the cats). It was slightly overshadowed by the pain in the ribcage flaring up, but I had a lot of fun. I spent that time drawing, reading, and eating, and with the ocassional company of a vibrator, except that latter joyous state made my side hurt more.

On another front, work is getting more complicated. By that I mean I'm having more responsibilities and demands and paperwork to do, but that's just climbing up the ladder in academia, isn't it. I gotta hustle. Some people are aware by now that queerness is my brand and I plan on letting more people know.

Today's the 22nd anniversary of the second-to-last earthquake I've experienced. I was telling Andrew about it and memories flooded me. I was home and nothing happened to us, but an entire neighborhood was wiped out by a landslide. I remember the images on the news and that a cold front hit around the same time, so people were freezing in the shelters. A month later, another eathquake would hit while I was in school.

Speaking of anniversaries: David Bowie. That's it. That's the paragraph.

My family's OK, as are my close friends. Andrew and I have a happy life and two decent cats. I'm grateful for it all.

I hope you're doing well too.

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