Friday, Feb. 10, 2023 - 9:32 pm.
I'm finally having some time to myself tonight, after a week of going out with Andrew and socializing like a pro. It's been productive, I've had a lot of fun. But right now I'm pretty ambivalent about it all, because I feel that my time has been consumed by many activities and my time hasn't fully been my own.
This is the second of our four-week summer break. Andrew and I have met with friends, but also unfortunately we've attended medical appointments of his. We spent Monday, Wednesday and today, Friday, on those. There are two parallel processes he's undergoing, one concerning his sight and the other concerning a newfound condition: hypertension. Oh, boy.
The latter is in its early stages and non-threatening. Andrew is very disciplined with medical treatments, less so with exercising and taking care of food portions. I've always bitten my tongue to avoid nagging him about this because I know it's annoying and unhelpful. Nevertheless, such observations ("maybe do some exercise?", "you're using too much salt") have slipped up my tongue a few times much to his annoyance, even though he cannot disagree with me...but doesn't agree either.
The eye thing was more frustrating and scary. His new doctor detected a condition that's a risk factor for glaucoma, though the chances of Andrew developing it seem low. Today he was told that he has to wait yet another year (something he's been told for years even before I met him) to get his laser surgery, so they can first monitor this risk condition.
It's a relief that they caught this and that it may not be as bad as it could be, but it also sucks. He was looking forward to being glasses-free for a few years and instead it turns out he has to avoid becoming blind.
I've driven him to most of his appointments this week and I've been keeping him company while he gets tested, or enters a consultation, or goes to the insurance office to do the paperwork instead of doing it online because the health system here is garbage. I went because I want to be there for him, though he always gave me the choice to not go as he could just take an uber.
While all that's been happening, we've also been socializing a lot. So much so that it makes me want to call the stupid psychologist that deemed us unfit to adopt on grounds of, among other things, not been outgoing enough and not having enough social support.
We had a especially fun night on Wednesday. A friend of us lives in the countryside and she invited Andrew and I, plus another mutual friend, to have dinner and spend the night at her house. I guess this is the only getaway we'll get this summer vacation.
Dinner was great, and our friend's house is pretty nice. This friend, her 19-year-old daughter, the mutual friend and I all ended up playing a local version of Cards Against Humanity until midnight. We also dressed up with feather boas, fairy wings, and hats. Andrew fell asleep, haha. We stayed the next morning -Thursday- until nearly noon.
That same day we had other friends over, and we entertained people from 3 to 9 pm. Lots of catching up to do, specially with a friend who moved to another city for his PhD and, unintentionally, is going to be a dad in a few months. This is the most emotionally smart friend we have, I think, and it's so heartwarming seeing him all excited talking about the arrival of his son, while exploring the relationship with his child's mother (they're not together, they'd gone out a couple of times when she learned she was pregnant).
This friend didn't know about our adoption journey, so we told him all about it. It was both incredibly painful and fantastic to be able to vent our now years-long anger and frustration with someone who's so warm and empathetic.
It's been great seeing friends and being there for Andrew, but I'm a bit exhausted by now. And I know this makes me sound selfish and hypocritical, and I swear I did all of the above on my own volition, but also I resent spending so much time on these activities. I mean, as opposed to having time to work on my comic strip or write stories. As opposed to having time to myself and being left alone.
Andrew keeps putting off his driving lessons, and he's aware that he could've saved me some time if he could drive. He didn't need me for the less emotionally demanding medical appointments and he could've driven himself.
Ok, I don't resent *him*. I didn't want to leave him on his own for all this. But I resent that things keep getting in the way. I want a couple of days without social nor medical engagements, just to do whatever I want. We're on vacation, I should be able to do that. I want to write, I want to keep learning how to make a godamned webtoon, I want to finish those long books I'm reading.
All I've done this week is being a functional adult. I've gone along with it because, well, what else would I do with my life. Plus, life won't get any easier when we adopt a child. Earlier this week we met with friends who have a two-year-old. She's a decent toddler, but I got frustrated with her in the end.
For a moment, I wondered if I really wanted a kid. It turns out I really do (I suppose part of my frustration had mostly to do with her parents who weren't stepping in, rather than with her). So I suppose I should just go along with life as it is needed from me, and keep the resentment about it to myself, provided I can't curb it.
Andrew's 20-something nephew, F, is coming tomorrow to stay with us for a couple of days. I like him and I feel for this kid because I sense he's very much alone in this world. His mom married and had another kid with this husband who, at the wedding, acted like the three of them were the family and F was just their guest. Much to my dismay, this is also a military family, so maybe he's better off that way.
F lives far away from his family so he gets to see them a couple of times in the year. I do want to be there for him. But also, that's gonna be three or four days of not having time to do my things. Andrew already said he'll take him out, though, he's all for giving me my space.
Look, Andrew's not dumb nor self-centered. He's very aware that, particularly this week, I've put aside my plans for his (and how could I not when it comes to his health). I do feel he appreciates the things I do for him and that's really nice. So yeah, ok.