Thursday, 11/28/02 - 5:12 pm.
I did all the humanly possible to make it work out...and it wasn't enough. I understand that, that's completely normal, it happens. But...what about the feelings, why did it feel so right if it was bound to get fucked up? You always hear how your heart can't go wrong, and how you should follow it, and shit...I did, and what happened? it didn't work out. That's what bothers me. I can't even trust the fuckin' heart.
It kind of doesn't make sense when I say it with words.
I've been having trouble to fall asleep. I end up falling asleep at 1:00 am. It's desperating. And I'm not sure why, it's not like I'm stuck in torturing thoughts. I'm just not sleepy.
One thing though is that I've discovered I have no more hope. Now it's dead. I don't go saying: oh, yeah, maybe next time I'll run into him and shit anymore. No. My faith has been murderer -finally- and although maybe that's why I feel kind of dead inside, I'm glad I don't have fake expectations.
......I made an Aerosmith drawing.
Well, I suppose I should say Happy Thanksgiving Day. We don't celebrate that here, but have a happy day. I saw the happy, happy Macy's Parade, and I was impressed. Meanwhile, back to the third world country...
STEVEN TYLER ON NBC TONIGHT TALKING ABOUT ELVIS! I have to go get the tape ready. Happy-happy-joy-joy.
Ok, bye.
.....
...no, wait.
Well, nothing. I just found him online. No, it's nothing interesting...I swear I'm trying to move on and shit, but when he suddenly said hey, bye, I had a flashback when he'd be a bit more warm when he said goodbye. A heart, or "I love you". I felt very cheap. I felt like something the owner loses and after a few days he says: aw, it's ok, I'll just get a new one.
How can I express this...well, let's say all of a sudden I feel like it hasn't been less than two days since he left me, and I'm going to my bedroom to cry, right about now.
I thought I'd gotten over him, but obviously I haven't, and I'm far from it.