Thursday, 10/25/01 - 10:04 p.m..
I called the guy yesterday. We talked a lot. I think it's the best conversation we've ever had...we talked about how much The Lion King II sucks. He sounded quite happy. I was quite happy. It was all fuckin' nice.
I woke up today and I was way happy. I took a bath and the water was damn hot, just like I love it (hey, I take a bath at 5:00 a.m.). I arrived and not even math could steal the smile right off my face.
But surprise! I came down. I'm still down. It's amazing how things change. I'd been waking up all cranky and finishing the day all happy. Now it's the opposite.
The first thing that fucked up my day was that this girl forgot to bring me a notebook. She left it at home. If there's something that pisses me off is how people can be so irresponsible. Of course, I smiled and said "no problem" (yeah, yeah, you can tell me that...I wasn't assertive). But it pissed me off that she forgot. But ok, no one's perfect. After that, I don't remember exactly what brought me down, but something did. I believe it was people. They ignore me and I can't do anything. No matter what I do...they don't notice whatever I do. No fuckin' one. Even the people you believe they'll tell you something just walk by, and let you hanging ready to wave at them.
On the 3rd period we had Social Studies. We're done with the whole assignments so it was a free class. I talked to Betty a lot. Damn, she really understands me. I kinda told her about how lonely I am, how I keep everything to myself and shit. Yeah, we're definitely connected somehow. She understands me and *listens* to me. She's looking at me when I'm talking and doesn't change subject. She's so down to earth. I'm starting to get all fond of her.
Well, the bell rang and I decided to dedicate my 2nd recess to write the essay about Cast Away. I bought a doughnut and went to some benches in front of the Basketball court, where the Basketball gang (including the guy) was playing, as usual. It's a nice view from up there. Carmen approached. I wish she wouldn't have. I wanted to be alone. But it'd have been all fucked up if I told her to leave me alone. So I just ignored her. And anyway, she was watching the BKB gang play and screw up. I didn't write a lot, though. I just kept thinking.
On the next recess, I don't know where the hell she went. I spent it alone. I saw Veronica from the pole of the hallway where I was next to. She wasn't looking at me. She obviously didn't. Yeah, whatever.
I had lunch with Norm. We had a few laughs. I forgot about everything in those minutes. Then it was our afternoon periods. Terribly boring and suffocating. We just watched commercials and analized them. But Melvin was really kind to me. He showed me some Dexter's Lab stickers and told me to pick one. I picked a bee and posted it on my hand. Later, he said give me your little hand and he posted another sticker...another bee. He was really sweet today.
After the shitty school time, parental units picked me up in our new car. They got it today and it's fuckin' cool. I got home and I started working. And the guy called. He was kind of...horny and asked me if I was. He said it was Ok if I wasn't. I just had to tell him if I wanted to do it or not. I said I "sort of" was and made up a story but he said that I obvisouly sounded like I wasn't feeling like doing it. I told him that "The Gods" had chosen someone else to be on his path. It was my way to tell him that unfortunately I won't do it with him, because we're not for each other...or at least, I'm not for him. He got my point and said: later, miss friend. Later, mister friend, I replied. He hung up. I knew it. As soon as I say no he hangs up. And no, I didn't tell him, although I had several opportunities. He was down, so I was. I'll tell him. Someday, somehow. I wish he'd do it (for the record, he's not virgin) with someone who he really loves and who loves him back. And I want the same for me. But that's something that won't ever happen between us. It took me some time to realize all of this after we hung up.
It was because of Melvin's bees. I took a look at them after we hung up and I felt a bit better. I don't know why.
To make things worse, we're having this family conflict, because of my sister and my aunt. My dad is really hurt and he cries often. It hurts me. There's a lot of tension going on. But I don't feel like telling right now and maybe you don't feel like listening right now, so we're in peace.
I've been going to bed at 10:00 p.m., because I've been watching Beavis & Butthead. Now I understand where this generation comes from. I also watch Daria, which is a bit smarter show. They're really fun to watch, after all. It's my non-intelligent part of the day. But, hey, I have to give my brain a break.
My bones hurt. I woke up with achy arms. Not my elbows, not my hands, the bones between them. I couldn't stop shaking my feet the whole day, and that made me notice that I was really desperate. For no specific reason. Maybe because of people. Now also my ankles hurt. Specially the right one.
I'll go to bed. I should be in bed since 3 hours ago, because I've felt sleepy since then 7:30. But I wanted to write. The computer was being used by my poor and hurt parental unit (I wish I could tell him something to make him feel better). So I had to wait. Now that I took some things off my poor broken & lonely heart (Good Lord, I should stop pitying myself), I'll go to bed. I wonder how tomorrow will be like...will I wake up happy and finish depressed? Viceversa? Start and finish happy/sad? I don't know. I don't know what to expect.
I already wrote my essay about loneliness. No big deal. I said that before you face the world, you have to face your loneliness. I've faced my loneliness but...I can't face the world if they're turned their back.