I am listening to Coffee & TV, by Blur. Hi, that's me.

I've decided to get off the MSN messenger for a while. Because of him. I don't like to find him online. I don't like not to find him online. He's the first to say hi but then he just doesn't reply and suddenly goes: hey, I have to go, bye. It sounds stupid, yes. It's not that, it's the fact that things used to be different between us. And that bothers me so much. It hurts me. He's not a bad guy, he doesn't hurt me on purpose, he doesn't even know he does. He doesn't know anything.

(the sad thing is that he won't even care, maybe won't even notice that I don't sign in anymore...)

Hence why I feel so impotent. I can't even tell him: you're hurting me, motherfucker!....maybe I could, if I told him the entire story, that I like him so much and I did my best to make it work, but it seemed he never cared for the little details I put so much effort on and he got over me just like that.

Forget it, I don't feel like explaining anything. Had I found an exact word to sum up my feelings right now, I wouldn't be writing all this.

I cried for hours last night, and I guess tonight won't be any different.

He makes me want to be anything but alive. Maybe if I was dead he'd think of me a bit more. Hey, at least he'd think of me once a year. I wish I was dead. I know I'd leave a trail of pain in those innocents that always cared about me (my family) but then again, if I were dead I wouldn't care. Go figure. But since I'm alive right now, I should care. I do, so it seems I can't be dead for the sake of the ones I don't want to hurt.

If it felt so right for him to be together why did he listen to "that person" that told him we were getting too close? Sometimes I'd love to ask him a lot of questions...

Cel: why don't you just block him? (on the MSN).

I wish I had the heart to do it. Or the lack of it.

I really wish I could tell him all this, I wish I could ask him for help, maybe he'd help me somehow?

But you see, this is my own battle. We were in this boat together, but he jumped off of it ages ago, and swam back to the shore where we started out. It's just me the one who has to put up with finding a new shore, where he won't be.

(I wish I could tell him this, too).

Enough with stupid analogies.

Fuck this all, I'm going to my bedroom...

Simeon's message:
Um, hi. She (this diary's hostess, you realize...my imaginary twin sister who claims I am the imaginary, invisible one) can't talk anymore, because in words of John Lennon, she's nursing a broken heart. But let me tell you, the NBC special about Elvis Presley SUCKED. Steven talking about Elvis? Gosh, who were those people, anyway? what did they have to do with Elvis? Serena Williams, Britney Spears?!?!?! Steven could have said a lot of things, he grew up listening to him. A lot of people did, but none were on the show. Just. What. The. Fuck. Was. That?

I tell you, if Elvis was dead, he'd be writhing in his grave...

If she was in a good mood, she'd also tell you that eating chocolate reminds her of Johnny Depp (she's got a thing for him, since 21 Jump Street, a long time ago. Hasn't she mentioned that here?........ever?!?!.....err, ssssshhh, you don't know...)

See you all ya'll!

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