Look, the boy who broke my heart is on TV!
Thursday, 12/05/02 - 7:53 pm.

One year ago, I missed an Aerosmith concert. Can you imagine my pain? Yes, you can. But that's ok. I haven't attended any concert they've given in this 30 years, one more, one less...what's the difference?

(A/= four hours by car, going from one city to another, in the same state).

After all, having my friends over wasn't bad. Adri didn't make it, only Veronica and Norman. Veronica came in the morning, Norman came in the afternoon.

Is it trendy to break up with people now? First Art and Cel, now Veronica and Clown. But Veronica explained it to me, she needed time. She's confused with Norman, and needs to clear things up with him....look, I won't go there. It's too complex to explain. And it seems Adri and her boyfriend will break up, too.

In words of Tom Hamilton: I wanted to get a t-shirt that said: "I'm the least fucked up".

Norman brought a video of the seniors' last get-together. I saw all the things I avoided by going with Fidel and watching from far away. The hugs and the crying of all the seniors. It was nice, very touching. And I was glad I'd gotten away from that. Not because I would cry, I just...I just didn't feel like being there.

He was caught on tape several times, and at first he'd shamelessly run away. There was a shot of him hugging Veronica. I didn't care. I wasn't jealous or anything. All I could think was that they looked comfortable in each others' arms. I almost smiled at how cute they looked, but I was afraid Veronica and Norman would think I was smiling because he was on the screen.

Then I saw other scenes with him, with the girl. Hugging her. Again, I was very stoic. I even joked in my head, imagining myself waving at the screen everytime he'd appear on it: hi, hi, hi...this torturing heartache belongs to you.

Veronica said something related to her need to tell Norman she was confused with him. You can't forget the person by going away. Because if you go away, still loving the person -and specially without expressing your feelings-, when you come back you realize your feelings haven't disappear. You have to have the person close to you if you want to get over.

Yes, it's true. I got nothing by getting away from the MSN messenger this week (7 days exactly). I cried the same every night. Last night I tried to stop it and log back in but, oh-joy, the server came down and I couldn't. I got pissed off. It was funny, really. Funny, in a pissing, annoying way. Something told me that was just another signal I should really try to forget him.

"you should really try to forget him"?...then what the fuck have you been doing all these months?, Simeon said. I thought so, too.

I've gotten back to self-mutilation. Not that helps though. Nothing has changed. For now, everything remains the same. Everything will, for God knows how long (keyword: long).

(he's on right now...hasn't talked to me, probably won't...*Simeon holds up a sign: hi, welcome back to the old times*).

This is kind of desperating. Like being in a cage like the one Harry Potter keeps his owl in. Can you even imagine living in a cage like that one? Harry should try to get a bigger one, with wheels and everything. That's not healthy.

Err, I mean...I feel that way. Trapped in my own feelings. I can't get out. I can't go anywhere.

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