Wednesday, 12/18/02 - 8:10 pm.
I started the day very well. I noticed all the shit has paid off, and now the house, and specially my bedroom, have improved.
But then again, I went back to my "there's nothing to do" routine. I found a book though, Rain Of Gold, and I'm loving it.
My brother and his family will have arrived by this time tomorrow. That's going to be great.
Every here and there I stop functioning and I think of him. But I don't cry anymore. It's some kind of..."deepest sympathy" for what happened, for how things turned out...like a funeral, maybe? well, not so far from it. I haven't heard from him literally ages ago. But to be honest, I don't really miss talking to him.
I think I don't miss anything now. I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry for what happened, but I can't imagine things being any other way. I'm not living in a If... state of mind. I never go "what if...?". I'm just...moving on, I guess.
I must admit though, that all I see in front of me is emptiness. In some sort of way, not entirely (I'm really happy and excited for the arrival of my brother and family).
Emptiness, yes...but I'd rather see all that emptiness in front of me than all the fulfilling things I once had and now are lost for good. Yet I still hope he thinks of me, at least a little bit...but that's just way too much to ask.
Err, I think I should cut this off before it becomes a depressive bitching.
Tomorrow's Norman's AND Vic's birthday. I'm sending them a card from Kiddonet. That site is the shit *thumbs up*...
Simeon's comment: and you can send gifts, too!
I think my The Beatles CD Rom is fucked up. That sucks, because it contains the ENTIRE discography. From "Please, please me" to the last compilation *cries*. Of course, I'd love to have their real albums and not just software. But it's so hard to deal with this generation...I don't think I'll find any Beatles studio album in this place.
This isn't december, right? I have yet to feel "christmas". Gosh, I feel so dead inside...I do have a slight happiness inside of me: I sing an Aerosmith or Beatles song and it puts me in a good mood, I see the sky, I play with Frog (probably the only creature I've been in constant touch)...little things make me kind of happy. But I must admit it's been some time since I've felt alive.
My parental units went out for dinner and they left me alone. Actually, they begged me to go but I did not want to. So I just had dinner with myself. It was fun, listening to The Beatles (*stares at CD with heartbreaking fear*). I hope they bring me an apple pie or something. They have to, they feel guilty when they go out and leave me home alone.