Thursday, 12/19/02 - 2:45 pm.

On the happy side of my heart I AM SO EXCITED AND I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY BROTHER TO ARRIVE!!!!! I smile everytime I think about it.

I am happy about that. We're leaving for the airport in a couple of hours.


On the other hand, I dreamed of him. I dreamed of my school and of some people I haven't seen in 4 years and maybe won't see again. I dreamed of...most of my life with him: being near yet so far from each other...

A nice touch in my dream is that I was a fast runner though *thumbs up*

I woke up with a heartache. A black hole? a wound? I don't know. It just hurts. So real that I think I could open my chest with a knife and find my heart bleeding, or wounded...but no. If I open my chest with a knife all I'll find is a bomb, a poweful bomb...and I'll probably bleed to death, too.

I cried in bed. And I didn't want to get up. Yesterday I said I didn't miss him. And I meant it, but today...today I wished with all my heart I had the chance of hugging him again. I really want to hug him. And even more, I was sure I'd see him again in a near future.

Part of me feels it's going to happen. Sometimes this feeling takes over me, assuring me everything will be ok, I'll see him, and we'll hug for a long time, and by the time that happens, he'll still love me. And I smile. And I feel good, and I'm sure it'll happen.

But then I think again...and that's just my paranoia. It's the part of me that doesn't want to let hope die. It's the part of me that needs a reason to go on. But that's not going to happen.

One day, I was depressed (because of him, but I didn't tell him that) and he said: but you know I love you, right?. "But you know I love you"...

He doesn't anymore. He has more important problems to take care of.

I try to get away from it, but it just keeps coming back. It's just so hard...

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