Monday, 12/23/02 - 3:19 pm.
This morning I went to a place called Imaginarium, to get the kids' (Renan, Rebeca and Javier) presents. It's such a special place. Smaller than I thought, but they have nice, strange little things.
I bought Rebeca a cute bugs game. For Javier, I got a box with tools to make ballons, and for Renan, I got a small magnetic theater. I want to play with those things, too.
Renan's gift was kind of expensive, so I gave my parents $10 to help them afford it. If she says he'll love it then let's get it for him, my dad said. I gave my mom the money when we got home, and I wasn't expecting she'd accept it very easily. But she did, and I knew how bad things are, economically speaking.
Alan used to get us the most unbelievable presents, his were the best gifts. But now, due to the strike, all he could get was a small basket filled with candies and chocolates. I can see he's a bit embarrased, he loves to get the kids nice presents. But the kids understand very well. They say that their family is their most precious gift.
But I know that deep down they need to get something wrapped. They need that excitement. I told everybody not to get them clothes. Every christmas or every birthday, I think of this but yesterday was actually the first time I talked about it: they don't want clothes. They want toys. At their age, I'd be very, very disappointed everytime I opened a present and found clothes. I wanted toys. I couldn't play with clothes.
So there you go. We got them toys. People can buy clothes everytime they want. Parents have the obligation to dress their children.
I felt a slight christmas feeling when we were carrying their presents to the car. Finally, christmas is shaping up, I thought. And then I realized...I realized how commercial chirstmas is. I needed to get presents to feel the christmas spirit? It's a culture thing, I guess.
But anyway, I'm focusing on the real deal. Last night, Renan, his kids, my parents, Alan and yours truly gathered around the TV and watched Chocolat (I've watched it about 5 times in less than a month). It was very...warm, spiritually speaking.
Adri, Veronica, Norman, Claudia and him are at the movies right now. Hi, I am not.
I feel kind of guilty, but besides my expectations, I have to go out with my family this afternoon (that movie is goddamn long, so I wouldn't have made it). We're going to a bookshop, then we'll go to Carlos' house for a family reunion. A complete family reunion, from my father to the latest addition, his grandson Javier. A grand total of 12 people.
Like I said, I feel kind of guilty though. I always seem to stood Veronica up. We talked before the movie started and I sort of explained it to her. Maybe one day she'll stop inviting me to their get-togethers and I'll curse her for that without noticing I brought this upon myself.
I was thinking of him this morning and I realized how I complicate myself.
You see, it's so fuckin' easy!!! He hurt you. But he apologized. He was really sorry. End of the story! Why do you always think he's trying to hurt you? ok, yes, the harm is done. But also, the past is in the past. It's easy. He did something wrong but then realized and apologized. Whatever comes after that isn't happening for the same reason.
It sounds logical. If I wasn't in love with him, I'd have seen things that way from the very start. In fact, him walking away from me wouldn't have mattered much to me. Because people walk away from you and you walk away from people, that's natural. Someone walks out of your life, someone else walks in (I'm not talking about "replacing" people though, that can't be).
But it's hard to see and accept things that way when who does it to you is someone you're in love with.
I let go of it. It doesn't matter if I had seen him today at the movies. I'll never see him again. I'm not sure I want to. Yes, whatever happened is gone, he's gone. Things wouldn't have changed with a little get-together at the movies. Nothing would be different after it. He's day, I'm night...never together.
Love never offers an easy solution.
I forgot to mention I got me a dolphin kaleidoskope at Imaginarium.
- saleswoman: shall I wrap it like the other items?
- Me: No, that's ok, I'll...
- Mom: yes, please!
- Me: But mom, it's just for me, it's not necessary...
- Mom: We'll put it under the tree...it's your present, anyway!
All that lovely, innocent and fulfilling childhood frustration and anxiety have come back to me. I know what it is, I know how much it costed...but it's wrapped and I can't have it yet.