See you soon, my kids / do you know that I still......?
Monday, 01/06/03 - 11:51 am.

It's something weird I feel inside. It's funny, and I didn't remember how good yet confusing it feels. Something I know it's fake and useless, but I can't let it go. I need to feel this way again.

Denise and the kids are on their way back to Houston right now. We had to wake up at 5:00 am to get to the airport on time. They were sad to leave, they didn't want to. And I was dying to go with them. I want to travel again. I need to.

No one cried, but we were pretty close to do so. I don't know when I'll see them again, but it won't be long (literally...6 months, a year...but I think positive, I become a positive person when it comes to family).

I can't believe they're gone. I can't believe they were here.

But I got my wish. To spend christmas together. And I thank God for it, and I hang on to those memories, because they're priceless and rarely happen. Although I feel they've been ripped away from me (again), for the first time in years, I apply the cliche: don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. I'm not smiling, but I certainly am happy and thankful.

On our way home, something happened. I looked forward to everything, and I saw myself in the USA, driving the kids to school. Going to Boston with my cousin Mario (we once talked about going there in the future)...and mostly, I just enjoyed the moment. I listened to Nine Lives, I looked out the window, thought of the kids, thought of learning to drive...I looked forward to something...I thought of the near future, and it seemed....good.

Perhaps I've been in a somewhat good mood because of the feeling I mentioned before. That may be useless and fake, but I like it. And I wish it were true. I had troubles falling asleep last night, because of it. I cried, I hadn't cried in weeks. But I didn't mind crying, because I thought it was worth it. I haven't feel this way in so long...

- Him: Hello.
- Me: how are you?
- Him: Fine...and you?
- Me: "Fine". How did it go on friday? (his UCA course)
- Him: It wasn't the worst first day of class, so I'm glad.
- Me: How nice.
- Him: Well, I'm leaving you now, I have to get up early tomorrow. Nice talking to you. We'll see (each other) someday.
- Me: Of course.
- Him: May the force be with you.
- Me: with you, too. Good luck.
- Him: I don't know what I'm gonna do there.
- Me: Live.
- Him: Of course.
It means something
- Me: Err...right.
- Him: It's not incoherent.
- Me: How surrealist of you.
- Him: Of course...I know veeeeeeeeeery well.
Well, see ya.

- Me: See ya.

On second thought, it's not meaningful. Reading it carefully, it doesn't sound like it sounded yesterday. Forget all I said. It's just me.

It's just a mirage. It's hollow. It's useless, it's fake, it's painful...

Add any negative adjective you want to it, but the idea remains: hope.

Like in a frustrating Super Mario Bros. Nintendo game, I've been taken over a lot of worlds, but with a simple touch, I'm taken back to the start.

I'll have to start all over again.

I wish I wouldn't have to.

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