Saturday, 01/18/03 - 2:59 pm.
I had a crisis last night (and this early, early morning). I couldn't fall asleep until 3:00 am, because my head was stuffed with confusion. I wanted to cry, I was trying to cry, I got to cry, but above all, I just wanted to fall asleep and forget everything.
D....You know the drill...we talked online and I felt miserable for his lack on interest and feedback.
Besides, I think I'm having a crush on Victor. Which is not a bad thing, considering I am an easily amused -romantically speaking- person. I have a crush on a lot of boys (it'll be interesting when I have one on a girl). And I was thinking about that at the UCA, while I was waiting for him after a test. We spend a lot of time together at the UCA.
It's not exactly a crush...I don't know what else to call it though. I just like him. His voice is completely out of tune, but when he sings...his voice becomes a rock star's (plus he only likes rock music). And I find that fascinating. But, I really wished he would never feel what I'm feeling for him right now, let alone something deeper and clearer.
But that's not the point.
Last night, when he logged out, after giving me the usual cold "hey, I have to go. Bye", a voice in my head said: well, at least I still have Victor. And that scared me. I don't want to have on crush on him just to forget about D. And for any other reason, I don't want to be attracted to him that way.
Then I remembered that I forgot about the guy by getting a crush on D, 4 or 5 months ago (it feels like it happened years ago). Look at me now....And that scared me even more.
This is the thing: I think of Victor, I feel for D. You do notice the difference.
I went to bed at 12:15 am, because I was talking to Betty. She and Cory broke up. I always had a feeling Betty wasn't really in love with him. But of course I didn't say anything. We were talking about other things, she's got some problems, she feels everybody walks out of her life (her childhood friend had just died three days ago)...etc. So I stayed on longer, trying to make her release all her pain. I was also talking to Carmen, and she asked me for a favor (get some info on some shit). I must admit I usually regret meeting her.
Anyway...I thought a lot when I went to bed. Too much. I'd cry, but then I'd stop, not able to shed another tear. I almost cut, but I stopped myself. That's not gonna solve anything. This time, cutting won't make you feel any better and you fuckin' know it.
So I just cried. I curled up on the floor and cried some more. I was so angry, disappointed, brokenhearted, pissed off, impotent, worthless....Then I just started reading my new Aerosmith book and I finally got to fall asleep at 3:00 am (Thank God for the amusing story of how they "pissed it all away").
I woke up at 8:00 am. Feeling heavy (phisically and emotionally). Tired. Sick. Depressed. With a slight headache.
That's funny, because since I gave up on the idea of killing myself (let's face it: I can't do it), I thought that at least I should have a headache on sunday, and slit one wrist. I will slit it, tonight (the scissor incident...I'll see what I come up with). I already have the headache. I don't know if it's just a coincidence or I thought about it too much.
Hopefully my headache will last until monday, so I can be a bitch and get away with it.
I've been feeling terrible the entire day. My parents' arguing didn't help. I don't know if they love each other. Like Joe Perry would say: "they like each other just enough". My dad is always calling down my mom for stupid shit, and she's too stoic or too shy to get back at him. I think it's truly unfair. If you ask me, I'd rather be with my mom. My dad is not a bad man (quite the opposite), but he's got some attitudes that pisses everybody in my family off. Last night Simeon asked me if could it be possible for him to have some anxiety disorder or something.
Speaking of which, while I was trying to fall asleep this morning, I kept hearing him snore. I don't know how my mom can sleep with that.
The wheather is cold again, there's practically no sun. It makes me feel worse, but also I wouldn't want the wheather any warmer.
It hurts a lot. He hurts so much. I even thought of sending him an e-mail telling him everything I feel. But I just can't. It's not like he'd care anyway. I bet he doesn't even know when my birthday is.
I just realized I've quoted Joe Perry twice in this entry.
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