Tuesday, 01/28/03 - 7:40 pm.
Yay, he is back! *heart*
I saw Vic today. He went to the fuckin' UCA just to see me! Lovely motherfucker.
I watched a movie this morning. The Linda McCartney Story. It was very touching. I cried when she passed away. The actors didn't ressemble the rock stars (specially the one playing Mick Jagger), but it was ok. I love that movie. I'd like to be a rock star photographer.
I don't know why, but that movie has been in my head the entire day, like a song. I mean, come one...Mick Jagger wanted to get his way with her, and Jim Morrison got to do it....and talk about Paul. But that's not the point.
I really don't know their story, but if it is like they showed it in the movie...it was love at first sight. Does that really exist? Not only that...it was love at first sight and 'til death took them apart. I was amused at how much they loved each other, and I couldn't help thinking...nevermind.
Well, speaking of neverminds...I've been thinking of writing D. Actually this idea has been in my mind for a long time. But I'm not sure.
Cel says he's not ready to accept such necessary truth (he's hurtful and coward and etc.). She'd said first that I should not write him anything. Because that'd make things between us even worse (I don't think they can't, so that meant for me that he'd stop talking to me).
But last night she said go for it. I said I really couldn't anyway. You know, this isn't about him anymore, it's about you.
She hit the nail in the head. I'd thought about it, too. It's about me, being hurt, about me keeping it all inside. It's not fair. It's not fair!
I think I'm still in love with him. But I know that won't be, I'm long gone away from his thoughts and from his heart. I'm aware of that. And I don't even want anybody else, he can't be replaced. There's of course a part of me that remains hoping. All because I watched Linda McCartney's story, and she and Paul fell in love at first sight, although after that, they did not see each other for an entire year.
There's a part of me that it's very naive. It thinks that one day, in one or two decades I'll go: yes, we're still together...part of me always knew we were meant to be. I'll look back at this in one or two decades, and I'll laugh out loud with dissapointment.
I had a fight with my voices this morning.
- Me: no, I can't.
- Voice: yes, you can.
- Me: I DON'T WANT TO FUCK IT OVER AGAIN!
- Voice: What's your problem, bitch?!?!?! This isn't fair for you!!!! Do something! STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!
- Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE BEEN DOING?!?!?! BEING AWAY FROM HIM HAS BEEN MY LIFE SINCE HE LEFT ME!!!
- Voice: See? He LEFT you! Why? Over peer pressure? How manly of him! That's not fair and you fuckin' know it. WRITE THE GODDAMN LETTER!!!
- Me: I TOLD YOU, I CAN'T!
- Voice: You can't, can you?
- Me: THEN WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT AND DO IT YOURSELF?!?!?!?!
Of course it won't come out. It's not an alter ego, it's just a voice. I tried to come out with the type of letter that I wanted to write, and for now, my only conclusion is that the only way I can write him it's if I slit my wrists first (*ahem*: and since I already did something stupid, I might as well do something else equally stupid...like writing him).
Write him a letter...what'd I say? There are so many things...I'd like to tell him it hurt me. You already apogolized, but I'm still very hurt. Do you have an idea how much you hurt? I bet you never really thought why I had cut myself. I don't know how he'd take that....or if he'd even care at all.