Sunday, 02/02/03 - 3:33 pm.
Hi, I'm downloading The Beatles' movie Yellow Submarine. I shouldn't. I really shouldn't. But I...must...get...Beatles. I'll probably end up deleting it later, anyway.
That sounds a tiny bit bulimic.
Listen, I'll tell you the story of a 9th grade little girl who turned down a 9th grade little boy who adored her.
Why, you may ask?
No, she wasn't stupid. Well, yes, she was (in fact, she still is). But that's not the main reason.
It was because she got fed up.
Yes, I did. That's why I turned Rene down in 9th grade: I got fed up.
I was rearranging all the letters and notes I've kept and I just had to read his letters....I hadn't read them since...well, since he gave them to me. I wanted to remember if it was *that* bad, bad enough to do to him what I did.
Yes, it was that bad. The letters are so...corny. Too romantic for my taste. There are TOO MANY "I love you", "I can't stop thinking about you", "you are so beautiful", blah, bla, bla. You know, all that is really cute. But it was too much. He even asked me to marry him (it was an indirect question). "In ten years, when we..". Ten years?! When you're in 9th grade you don't want to think what's going to happen in 10 years. High school graduation seems far enough.
I just can't stand being on a pedestal. He really loved me, I can't deny it. But everything was about letters. He never dared to talk to me face to face, he always cared about what others would say about "us"....I had to throw away one or two, because they all were the same.
The last one is a little note that says: "I need to know if you still love me, *yours truly*. I'm in love with you. If you do, answer on this same piece of paper and give it back to me".
I am the one who keeps that piece of paper. Therefore, as you may have already concluded, I didn't answer.
I know, it's terrible.
Is it?
I feel bad for not feeling too bad about it. I don't feel bad for losing the bracelet that meant so much to him. I feel dumb, but not what you'd call sorry. I mean, I am, but it's some kind of "whooops, my bad".
I just got fed up. It's terrible, his letters were terrible. I didn't even bother to tell him it was over. I was very uncomfortable with him.
Maybe I just can't love....Maybe I'll just become an old, lonely lady with cats. And I don't like cats (I do like them, I love them, but not as pets...they're too independent...which is good, but...why am I even explaining this?). Maybe it's a good thing D and I didn't end up together. Maybe I just can't love.
Your lovin' gives me a thrill
but your money don't pay my bills
now give me money
(that's what I want).
Yes, give me money.
Money don't get everything is true
what I don't get, I can't use.
Probably that's too capitalist, but I like the last line. Aaawww, I love The Beatles.
(yes, of course...Aerosmith, too)
Yellow Submarine Download Remaining Time: 22 hours, 04 minutes, 05 seconds.