Wednesday, 02/05/03 - 6:46 pm.
(Yellow Submarine is still downloading)
Last night, my parental units had a fight....not exactly a fight, because mom is too passive. But my dad said a couple of things that even made me want to cry. It sounded like divorce. But that can't be. They're too old to get divorced. I suppose in a way they love each other...in a boring way. Like inertia. Like "well, that's how things are supposed to be".
It brought me down. It pissed me off. They argue a lot (well, my fuckin' dad does), at least once a day, but not like last night. I got mad at the both of them, but of course, I had to keep it to myself. If I only could've stood up, yell FUCK YOU and slit my wrist with a knife...
Today wasn't an improvement. I've been thinking about too much things that get me down, like Veronica and D. I wanted to cry, I was so pissed off. I hate my friends, they all hurt. I wish I was a friendless bitch, like I used to be.
My UCA friends (Angie, Victor, Irene, Ern and Victoria) are different. We are just shiny happy people. I don't have to listen to their problems, they don't have to listen to mine. It's a less complex relationship, and after all the complicated relationships I've had at school, I tend to like it this way.
I enjoy loneliness. Not that much now, because I start thinking of stupid shit, but I'd much rather be alone than with any of my "friends". I don't know why some of them are so nice to me and claim I am so special.
I'm thinking of cutting off all kinds of communication with them. Shutting off to their own little worlds. But I also would hate to leave with torn feelings. I don't need to talk about my hurt self. Not to "a friend" anyway. I want to tell that I'm hurt to the people that hurt me. But I'm such a coward.
I looked out my window after lunch. It's a sunny day outside my window. I got caught up in these thoughts, until something got me out of it. A small quake. At first I thought that maybe it was my imagination, because no one else seemed to feel it. But no...it wasn't me.
I wanted to cry, but somehow I managed to go to the UCA (I had an exam, and I'm not too positive about the results). Seeing my friends cheered me up. But the last minutes of class were terrible. We had a debate, and we were against homosexuality. I didn't want to, no one in my group wanted to. We're not against homosexuality AT ALL. We barely had any arguments.
We tried to tell the entire class (around 54 people) that it wasn't a personal opinion, but the stupid professor said "ok, you're off" and people started screaming and clapping and rushed out of the classroom, without listening to us. He made us look like fuckin' homophobic people, and some classmates already hate us. That's frustrating, and in some way, I can't help feeling -excuse the strong word- violated.
*sigh*
My day has sucked so much. I'm thinking of what to do. I thought again about commiting suicide, but my family gets on the way. Sure, life is peachy, life can be magic. I don't deny it. I'm a lucky person, for all the things I have. Life is beautiful. I know. I've had a happy life, or in the least, happy moments that make me appreciate life SO much. I KNOW, life can be precious, it has been before. I KNOW ALL THAT.
I just don't want to be alive. That's all.
I hate my friends. And the only way to get back at them is suicide. I know how that sounds, but since 8th grade, I've thought about it, and I have my reasons to think that way. That doesn't mean I'm gonna do it, I really can't. But I wish I found a way to run away from my fuckin' "friends". I don't want to be in touch with them anymore. But I don't want to leave with all the pain they've caused me. It would mean...nothing. It's useless to get away if you're taking all that baggage with you. That's not the point.
It's rethorical, but I need to ask this: what am I gonna do?
I wish I burned out.