Wednesday, 10/31/01 - 4:41 p.m..
God, I'm so stupid. I'm so fuckin' stupid. I'm pissed off. I'm mad at people and mad at myself.
I wrote the letter for the guy last night. I basically told him I was sad because I was nothing but a vagina to him (aren't I cool?), that I see no point on doing those calls, because both of us just pretend. And other stuff. We had agreed that he'd look for me near my school bus so I could give the letter to him.
First thing in the morning after I got off the bus, the driver says: I'll pick you up in the other side (I leave school on the 25th avenue entrance...the "other side" is the other entrance, on the opposite side of the 25th avenue one). Which meant, I wouldn't be able to be where we'd agreed to meet in the afternoon. Ok, I'll work it out, somehow., I thought. I didn't see him the whole day. We took the last period off because there's no more to teach, and it was the prom people's parade.
Great, I went to the stairs and watched the whole thing. He arrived where I was. But we weren't alone, so we didn't talk, as usual. And here's where I do the most stupid thing: he was leaving and I completely ignored him, althought I noticed that he wanted to get close to me. Fuck. There aren't enough words to describe my anger. So I left school. I didn't give the letter to him. Maybe tomorrow. No, tomorrow. Not maybe.
The parade....was sad. I mean, it was really cool. People brought their cars, covered them with ballons, painted them with spray and then started driving all around the football field, shouting and laughing. Fidel was next to me. He kept thinking that there was no point on doing such thing. It's true. I kept thinking that next year is my turn. It reminded me of the Gorillaz's video 19-2000...people driving really fast and shit. After the parade, the prom went to the basketball court and started singing and crying and hugging....it was quite pathetic. I don't want next year to come, much less to finish. By this time next year, I'll be a prozac junkie.
Yes, I still feel stupid.
Yesterday I gave Fidel a dead butterfly. I found it while I was taking my long walk around school. Black wings and neon orange spots. He liked it. Today I showed it to his "daughter", her name is Nayda. She said it was quite beautiful. You didn't say "yuuuck" like everybody else, I said. She smiled and said Well, that's because we're a lot alike. Yes. We're somehow similar. Althought we officially met two or three days ago (the whole year I've seen her in Fidel's office and Fidel talks a lot about her), there's something that makes me feel connected to her. And I guess she feels the same about me.
God, I feel really stupid.
I'm mad at people...I'm mad at my friend Head. I told him to give me the name of the book he got an info from...I told him twice. He gives me everything but he forgets the name of the damned book. It pissed me off. I always have the same trouble with everybody when it comes to do research in books. Am I the only geek who really cares about getting the name and the authors of the books we use, so we can put it in our work and earn the 10% of the bibliography? Apparently, yes.
Around 10 o'clock this morning, while I was thinking about giving the letter to the guy thought wow, this is exciting...will I make it? I don't know if I'll get to give him the letter or not...it's like a movie, you don't know how's it gonna end (I know, it's a stupid thought). Well, it's ended. It plainly sucked. I didn't give him the fuckin' letter. It's a package, actually...I got this box of matches, stuffed it with plastic tiny flowers. Then, I wrote the letter. I colored it with a purple pencil. No, no with the pencil. I got the pencil sharpener and spread the purple dust all over the paper. Above, there was the drawing of a Simeon-look-alike, with a bubble saying: ballheavyness rulz!!. Then I wrote the message. I took out my heart so it'd be the only one talking. I kept it short. Then I folded the paper. I put the box on it and put around my AIDS ribbon, holding it with a Snoopy sticker (kind of like a stamp). I loved the way the whole thing looked. I love giving little things like that one. Fuck, I must give it to him tomorrow.
I don't know what else happened today. My stupidity doesn't allow me to remember. Fuck, I should've given it to him, I should've given it to him, I should've given it to him, I should've given it to him!!!! I ignored him for many reasons...The main one is that I didn't want to embarrass him (he's the one who gets picked on about the little "thing" we did in July), his friends were with him....uh, and stuff.
I had a very unstable mood today...Happy, sad, stupid, down, high, stupid, nostalgic, carefree, alone...My current mood: sad. I don't know why....well, yes, for many reasons. I'm starting to feel a bit depressed.
Blues hearted lady, sleepy was she
Love for the devil brought her to me
Tears for a thousand drawn to her sin
Seasons of wither holdin me in....
This song is called Seasons of Wither, written by, who else, Steven Tyler. He wrote it in a basement, in a cold december night, in the middle of a depression. God, depression is beautiful when you know how to express it. May I recommend it to you? Yes, I may. I recommend it to you. It's not like Fly Away From Here, which is pure teeny-bopper shit. Seasons is the most beautiful ballad, along with Dream On.
Today's Halloween? I don't give a flyin' fuck. But now that I remember...I have to go to the dentist this month.
I don't feel stupid anymore. Not only stupid...I feel stupid, disappointed, angry.....but life is beautiful....in some parallel universe.
I'll get to work. I have to study...I can't fuckin' study anymore!!!! I'm sick and tired of....may, many things. Everything. I'm out of my mind. I hit myself a few hours ago, because I couldn't remember the name of the mushroom reign...there are 5 reigns, right...I broke my head trying to remember the 5th. Suddenly, it seems like every feeling I've had these two weeks is coming back...and I feel all mixed up. I can feel I'm breaking down...
Oooh woe is me, I feel so badly for you
Oooh woe is me, I feel so sadly for you in time
Bound to lose your mind
Live on borrowed time
Take the wind right out of your sail...
Fire flies dance in the heat of
Hound dogs that bay at the moon
My ship leaves in the midnight
Can't say if i'll be back to soon
They awaken, far far away
Heat of my candle, show me the way
Tears of a thousand drawn to her sin
Seasons of wither holdin' me in...
prev / next