Friday, 02/07/03 - 10:48 am.
I haven't listened to music since monday.
Usually, when I feel bad, there's a song that cheers me up, or at least describes my mood. I don't feel there is one right now. I'm listening to The Beatles right now, though. I've found a couple of sad tunes to suit my mood.
Still, I'm not having a good week.
I'm really tired. My entire body aches. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to the UCA, I don't want to stay home. NOTHING.
I had a weird dream. It was the first day of school, I was in 11th grade. But 11th grade's classroom was some kind of balcony. For some reason, I wasn't allowed to be there. I had to be with 10th grade. I ran to Fidel, asking him why, on the verge of crying. He only hugged me, and said it was good to see me and that I'd do fine. I went up to the balcony, and D was waiting for me. He held my hand and walked me accross the strange classroom, and it was like he was trying to tell I'd soon be with all of them. Then I had to go to my own classroom. And I don't remember much more.
I woke up earlier than usual. The headache had disappeared. I don't like today. It looks..."heavy". The sky is not blue. Is not cloudy either, it's like smog has taken over. I hate that, because it makes for a hot weather that I can't stand. It makes me sick.
I think of D often, of course. I think that he doesn't think of me often.
I've been trying to come up with a way to...I don't even know what. I don't know if I want to say goodbye for ever (just get away from him forever), or I want to try to keep in touch with him...but I sure don't want to be like this.
Next friday the UCA course ends. Then I may not see him again, because his classes are in the morning, mine are in the afternoon ('til night).
He doesn't care about me at all. Sometimes I find it hard to convince myself. "That can't be". It can. It is that way. There are days when he doesn't remember I exist.
And probably why I'm thinking of saying goodbye forever it's because I'd love him to stop me. But he wouldn't. He'd go along and say "ok, goodbye".
I'm not strong enough to get away from him. I'm not strong enough to do anything.
Angie and I were talking yesterday, listening to Victoria and Victor rehearse for their perfomance. I said I can't sing. "You're a shy person...but shy people do well in front of an audience", Angie said. I hoped it was true. There's a Steven Tyler quote that goes: "if you hold your emotions in, they'll all come sideways and you'll become a rock star".
Unfortunately, if all that it's true, I'm the exception to the rule.
Like the only 11th grader that's not allowed to be in the 11th grade classroom.