Saturday, 02/08/03 - 6:28 pm.
Days have been longer. And busier. I kind of feel out of place, but I happen to like that. I don't dwell too much on things I shouldn't dwell too much on, and I'd rather be this way than sitting around the entire day doing nothing.
Last night I had a dream about a tornado. I've dreamed so many times about tornados. And about the sea. And about flying. I'd like to know why. All of my dreams about the same subject have a similar pattern.
I had a great morning. I went to Irene's house (to work on our UCA assignment), and also to the ESJ. Because she happens to live almost accross the street from it. I looked for Fidel, but he wasn't there. I was disappointed. I got to see other people, though, like Karla and father Julio.
It was great, spending time with my colleagues-to-be, in Irene's twin sisters' bedroom (because that's where they placed the computer), watching TV, sitting on their beds, working on our assignment. I even saw Melvin. He came by to give some things to Irene. He stayed with us for a while.
Veronica came in the afternoon. As usual, I heard about all of her issues. She takes it light, she's a strong person. But it's kind of confusing, all that people involved, loving and hating each other at the same time.
She kind of asked me how was my "love life". I was tempted to tell her there's no such thingm, but I just nodded. "what about *D*"? I nodded again. I kind of regret it, but I can't talk about that. I don't even know what I feel anymore.
But mostly she just talked about her life and the friends in her life (Adri's having problems with his boyfriend....etc). Yet another boy is trying to make a move on her. But that's ok. That's natural. She's so down to earth, so nice, so kind, so humble. I stare at her, thinking how pretty she is, feeling the ugly best friend of hers (not even that...Adri is her best friend, I'm second-best).
I feel very bad when she talks about D. That he's being pushed away by his best friend (Norman) and that he's acting very weird. And I can't help remembering how I felt when I was pushed away by her and Carmen in 8th grade (I used to be told that I was acting weird). I can't help feeling so bad for him, and so impotent. So worthless.
Last night he and I held a crappy conversation. He pities himself so much. "I'm not like the rest", he's told me twice. But he ends up talking about him, like...the rest. Like everybody else.
I'm working on a little message on my "cutting notebook" (I think the name is self-explanatory). I'm writing with blood "I hate my friends". But right now it reads: "i Hat". I discovered last night, that when I cut, I don't think of him. I just focus on the blood. I had to smile. Some way to scape from the pain...
I've been trying to come up with something to do about all this. How come I always end up hurt and silent about it? I never know how to let the harmer know he or she has harmed me, and time goes by, and then it's too late.
He hurts so much. He's so caught up in himself now. He always says things that I've said before, but I'd hate to say: "I know, I've said that, too". It sounds too...cliche. He makes me feel so fuckin' bad.
I listened closely to Let It Be this afternoon. It made me feel peaceful and confident. That's the only way....."let it be".
But it's so damn hard. I'm not confident anymore.
Let It Be.
(Lennon/McCartney)
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the brokenhearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted
there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on till tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
A there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
A there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
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