Wednesday, 02/12/03 - 8:00 pm.
I've had a long, long day. This week's routine consists of waking up early (6:30 am), going to the UCA at 10 o'clock and, among other things, going to bed at midnight and eating three times a day. I'm not used to that, so maybe I'll wear myself out.
I was lucky enough to see D during his recess. I was in the cafeteria with Irene, and suddenly I noticed he, Norman and other people were sitting at one table. They approached and stayed with the both of us for a while. D barely looked at me, so I'm pretty sure everything's over. For sure. I know that, but I wanted to see him no matter what.
He looked....beautiful today. A black t-shirt and jeans. He looked ok. I could see he and Norman skipped class just to be together. I'm hoping everything's ok between them now. It seemed to me they were bonding. I was glad to see that. For once, Norman left Fo out and focused on D.
For me it was kind of sad. I've been really sad these past days. Norman and D sat at a table, away from everybody. I saw Cel, and she told me to sit by her, one table behind theirs, on the next row.
We talked. She had a message from Mikey to me. He said he was really sorry about leaving me that way, he never meant to hurt me. I was relieved, because I thought he was mad at me, and to top it all off, he'd killed himself.
We had to go on talking. Last night I thought of writing D, and I even made a draft. This morning, my first thought was "no way". I told Cel (since I discussed this with her). I wanted to cry, he was so close yet so far from me.
But above all, I felt bad for something else. For trying to kill myself two nights ago. I felt so worthless, so shitty. I mean...I have it all. I fuckin' have everything a human being needs: a warm home, a caring, loving family, friends...and yet, I feel empty. I hated myself for being so selfish, and I thought of my parents crying over my dead body. I'm a stupid bitch, I don't deserve all the good things I have.
Veronica arrived around that time, and hugged me, and said I was SO special to her, she'd do anything to see me happy. That was cute, but I felt worse. For hating her sometimes (actually, for hating her, back in high school).
I don't know who else noticed. On Norman's table, besides D, there were other people...Rod and...well, others. Rod called me once to show me someone, and I quickly lifted my face and buried it back into Cel's backpack. I noticed D turned his head to me, but I'm sure he didn't realize what was going on. He was finally with his friends.
When I got back up, I noticed he was gone. He didn't even approached to ask. Then again, he probably didn't notice something was wrong with me. No one else did, but that's ok. I don't want to look like a drama queen. I just had to cry there because Cel is the only person that knows my issues, and so, I finally got to talk about them.
Well, that's the most remarkable thing of my day. I felt better afterwards, when everybody was gone. The classes were really long, though.
I just got scared, because Frog was having some sort of attack. Jesus Christ, my father can make poor choices of words: "she's gonna die in your arms". For Fuck's Sake! You don't say that when your daughter's dog is having a nervous breakdown. But I swear, for a moment, I was really scared that'd be true. But she's much better now. Thank God.
Well, I kind of feel better now. I really don't want to think of the things I thought about at the cafeteria, because I might cry again. I don't want to cry anymore, so I'd probably would try to cut myself, and I'd start the cycle all over again.
It was kind of painful putting up with D's indifference. If there was a way to let him know...butthereisn't.
I have to do some homework.
I swear he looked beautiful in that black shirt (I can only think of a Beatles' song).
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