Thursday, 02/13/03 - 8:19 pm.
Every day is worse than the last one.
I made a mistake today, and I bursted in tears. I pissed off my dad, he called me down, I shoved 1/4 of my lunch down my throat (I left the rest), and I've been wanting to cry the entire afternoon. It was so terrible, why do I have to ALWAYS fuck things up? I make a fuckin' mistake everyday. I'm so stupid, so fuckin' stupid.
My dad apologized, but that made me feel worse. IT WAS MY FAULT. I screwed up, not him. He was in his right to be mad at me. I feel so bad, I'm so dumb. He ranted and ranted about my mistake, and I just kept silence. He was victimizing himself, but I chose not to say anything because maybe that'd be therapeutic for him.
I thought of jumping off the A building, at the UCA. My classroom is there, on the 4th and last floor. I realized that, personally, commiting suicide will take a mental absense (just focus on the action, and on the means). I was imagining myself falling off. Then people running to see my dead body, with my head bleeding. I wouldn't know what's next, so I shouldn't care. Yes, a lot of grief among friends and family, but I wouldn't have to put up with that.
I held back the tears and attended class. Then I cried a little on the way home (I was on the back, because my dad was giving a friend a ride), and I finally curled up in bed and cried so much almost half my pillow is wet.
Is not only what I did today. Is everything. I'm a fuckin' bitch, I don't deserve anything.
(I wish there was no one at home right now)
I wondered why is it that I can be so worthless to someone that means so much for me. I thought of D. I said goodbye to him last night. It was kind of stupid. I don't want to log into the MSN messenger anymore, because he doesn't talk to me, anyway. My nickname was "this girl is dead" and I IMed him saying: "hi, pal. Good luck". I waited until I got the message that he was typing one, and I logged out right then, before I could get whatever he had to say. I felt good doing that, I must admit.
It's kind of hard to let go, but I really don't want to be with anybody. I just want to be alone and cry. I was going to leave earlier for the UCA, but I chose not to (that's pretty much how the fight with my dad begun...well, it wasn't a fight, because I didn't argue back). Neither tomorrow. Well, I will; but because I want to have lunch with my brother Carlos. But I don't want to see my friends.
Norman sent me an e-mail yesterday. I thought he didn't care about seeing me cry, but it was quite the opposite.
I hope I won't make you uncomfortable with some things I'm going to say, it's not my intention, I just want to comment on a few things.
*yours truly*, a lot of people who love you (myself included) know that things aren't very well with you. Unfortunately, your arms confirm it, and it's been happening time after time, and so often, that we're concerned. But I won't talk about all of "us", *I* am the one who's talking right now.
I don't want to get involved in your issues; if you haven't wanted anyone to be involved, that's your bussiness and no one can call you down for that. What I do want to tell you is that at least I do why, or rather who, your things aren't right for. At least I think I know, by the things I've been seeing.
And the he goes on. Saying that it was ok if I didn't want to talk about it, but I had to stop self-mutilation, because is not healthy. That he didn't want to mention anything because we'd lost contact (we used to talk to each other a lot, but then in high school we became nothing but working mates). That he was really sorry for not asking before, and that he was hoping I'd accept his sincere apologies. That he was shocked by the way he saw me yesterday. That he'd listen to me. That it's not healthy what I'm doing. That I'm really special, I have a lot of talents and qualities, and a lot of people love me, and that I have to be aware of that. That he loves me so much, and that I can always count on him. That I have to remember he'll always be there for me, no matter what.
Well...he knows "who" has me this way. I always wondered if the people around was aware of what was going on between D and me. Yes, D destroyed me (I'm not blaming him, I'm just saying). D is the last person that cares about me (let me rephrase it...D doesn't give a fuck about me). He was the one who pushed me over the edge. And then the rest...just came tumbling down. Like a snowball. I don't know. I used to feel depressed just because of him, but now he's just another reason.
I wrote him back, telling him a lot of things, most of which I've written here. But I didn't said a word about the "who" he claimed to have me this way. He (D, the "who", if you will) was the main cause, but currently, I'm depressed for many other things. But I wouldn't be this way if he hadn't been in my life in such a painful way. If I hadn't fallen in love with him. Maybe everything was my fault. Yes...yes, it is. And like I said to Norman, somewhere in space and time I fucked up for the first time. I'm such a weak person, I couldn't make it up, and still can't.
I told him a lot of things, mostly because I felt sorry for him, for making him feel bad about me. He was being so nice to the bitch...and after all, he does deserve to be trusted. I mean, he's a good friend. I didn't need to talk about all that to him. I didn't answer the indirect question "who drove you to this", but I know that if he reads between the lines, he'll find out.
I can't stand this. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I wish I just....died.
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